Unheard Sentiments

The Chameleon

2012-02-08T01:59:00.000+08:00

While Stan Lee turned nerds and loners into superheroes, Josh Trank did the total opposite. That's what peeves me off when I watched Chronicle a couple of days ago.

Partly, because being a nerd/loner myself in high school, I find the whole situation totally demeaning. Instead of making us loners chivalrous and cultured, the superpowers seem to enhance our neuroticism. Why the insult, Josh Trank?!?

Whatever happens to Peter Parker and Steve Rogers and their respective aliases as Spiderman and Captain America? Whatever happens to the divine quotes of "A weak man knows the value of strength" and "With great power comes great responsibility"?

Apparently, these high-rising self-esteem quotes are totally inapplicable in the movie.

However, to be completely honest; if five years ago I were given the superpowers that Andrew Detmer possessed in Chronicle, I would probably turn my entire hometown into dust as well. It's horrible yet a very viable option for an angry teenager.

Josh Trank made it to the box office because he made it so much more believable than the average superhero movie. And it kinda made me wish that I will never ever be granted such powers too.

I have been going to the gym regularly lately. A few people (myself included) were quite doubtful at first, but I proved them wrong by signing up and hitting the gym at least three times a week. It's the perfect activity for me actually. With all the stress build-up I have on average day-to-day basis, I really need working out as a routine. Ever since I joined gym, I've been a whole lot happier and a lot less angrier. ~~And besides it feels so awesome to look at the mirror, seeing that I have a firmer ass and a tighter stomach.~~

Today after a long work out, I took a while winding down and the sauna and steam room, thinking of the have and have-beens. I realize that so much has changed. My lifestyle, my priorities, the type of people I spend time with, the amount of people I spend time with. In just two years, all that has changed. Even me, I have changed so much. So much that I ended up being the person I was before, only better.

Though sometimes I wonder myself, when did I start becoming so busy? When did everyone start becoming so busy? Back then I had friends who I used to spend hours doing totally nothing just talking nonsense, beating the odds together. Back then I had time to listen to people's drama from A to Z, and at that time I actually bothered. When did the world start spinning around so fast that there's no time to lose?

I've grown up so much since then. I'm more cautious when it comes to people, I've built barriers of intimacy for those I'm uncertain of their friendship value, and I'm more aggressive when I sense that they're taking me for granted. I learn how to say no, how to fight back without a pinch of guilt. I'm definitely more confident now, but I'm still quiet and reserved.

I can't deny that sometimes when I sit by myself thinking, I do miss a few people who used to be so dear to me along with the memories they shared with me. I do still have regrets with another few who I shouldn't have got so close with in the first place. Although, it got me thinking that they shared the same purpose: to make me stronger.

It's important spending time with yourself, it makes you realize who you actually are. You don't have all these bunch of people with a totally different personalities and perspectives to shape who you are. You are your own individual, your own person. You make your own decisions with nobody else holding you back.

You get your stuff sorted out and your work done too.

Promoting Nivea

2012-01-25T19:29:00.000+08:00

December last year, I applied for this weekend promoter job under Nivea. The company was looking for one person per outlet throughout the country to promote for their products, particularly for their deodorant range which is under promotion. Despite the fact that I'm completely inexperienced in working as a promoter, I was lucky that I got the job. I suppose working several jobs from being a tired tuition teacher in Kumon, to a hopeless customer service in MPH, to being a temporary clerk in Air Asia, to an usherette for events such as Panasonic and Petronas did give me higher chances of getting this job post. Wow I didn't realize I actually worked a lot. Heh.

Whatever it is, I am certainly glad that I got this job. It's one of the best job experiences I've had so far.

I was nervous at first, of course. I actually did some thorough research on Nivea regarding its history and products, and I also did some research on the basic skills on how to make sales. On my first day of work, I managed to sell 10 units of Nivea products. I thought it was okay for a first timer, but eventually I managed to get 25 sales on average, but just last Saturday my sales boomed to 64 units!
It's very rewarding to go back home, write down my sales report and submit to my boss knowing that I get a pretty decent amount of commission from all the hard work pestering customers to buy the products.

I still remember my first few customers. The first one was a homosexual with perfect skin, early twenties, wearing a white top and greyish tight shorts. He was walking around looking for something. I saw him walking around in circles, so I walked up to him and offered my guidance. With his gentle voice, he politely asked for a facial mask, with his hands gesturing what a facial mask would look like. With a tickle under my skin from witnessing his exaggerative hand gestures, I ushered him to a section where there's a bulkload of Nivea facial products. He ahh-ed in satifaction, took an invigorating facial mask and said thank you to me. That was when I sold off my first Nivea product. A delightful experience indeed.

My first rejection was my second customer. He was a man of forties with a bulging stomach that represents fatherhood, wearing one of those peculiar-looking flip up round wayfarer sunglasses. He was pondering over the deodorant section, fiddling with a Nivea deodorant for females. Obviously what I did was I went up to him, asked him whether he would like to check out male deodorants instead.
His answer was, "No, I go unisex".
So I just kept my mouth shut and walked a step backwards before he asked me, "I sweat a lot, what should I use?"
What I did was that I suggested him this Silver Protect Nivea deodorant for men with silver ions to clog sweat pores for heavily perspiring man.
Again he answered, "I go unisex!"
I took another step backwards from the queer (pun intended) man before he stormed off whilst shaking his head.

Did I say something wrong? Maybe he was actually a bearded lady and I was being insensitive suggesting him/her male deodorants. Woops.

Apart from getting entertained by customers, I get my weekly dose of snickering just by observing my co-workers. There's this bunch of young ladies working there who I call the Grocery Mall It-Girls because they keep on going to the cosmetic shelf, slathering on lipstick testers and eyeliners. I know. Yuck.
Then there's this group of older ladies, the Working Wives who I have lunch with. They love talking about cooking, their kids and their husbands; the type of conversation housewives talk about. They're a really nice bunch, I don't mind hanging out with them at work.
Oh, and there's Miss Crumplebottom, who I suppose she's at her late forties. One of the older ladies forewarned me that she can be quite a pain in the ass since she can be very bossy and likes to complain a lot. So I try not to talk too much with her to prevent myself from getting bullied.
On my third day of work she told me that there's a box of Nivea products in the store room and it's been there for days. At first I just said okay and ignored her for the next couple of hours but she came back and single-handedly took me to the store room and showed me the products. I wasn't told by my supervisor that I had to arrange anything and carry any boxes because as far as I'm concerned, that's the responsibility of the company's merchandisers. Despite all that, I didn't mention my annoyance to her because I didn't want to get on her bad side.

So I told her simply, "Thank you for showing me this".
Miss Crumplebottom smiled. It was an unusual moment because she rarely smiles. She actually has a lovely smile, but it's a shame that she is always sulking instead.
Then she said cheerily, "Well, you don't have to take it to the toiletries section if your products are still available on the shelves. I just thought it'd be a waste if you didn't put it on the shelves knowing that you get commission out of your sales."
From that day onwards, I concluded that Miss Crumplebottom isn't such a bad person afterall. All you have to do is be polite to her. She's a cranky old lady, alright. But deep down inside she has good intentions for her bossiness. Apparently.

One thing I learn from being a promoter for Nivea is that I learn how to smile at everyone, regardless if that person is a sweet old lady or a disgusting neighbourhood pervert. You know, I don't smile that often. Smiling to random people grocery shopping actually made the job much bearable. My perception is that if you can't make a sale, you can always brighten up someone's day with a smile. And even if I'm not working, I smile at people staring at me. Unless they look like Mat Rempits or Parias of course.

To be completely honest, I have never ever been rejected so many times in my whole life before. This job made that mark. The bright side is that they're not rejecting me as a person, but more of rejecting the product. So well, rejection doesn't demotivate me but I thrive by scouring for other ~~prey~~ potential buyers.

Even though I go back home smelling like fish and mutton (thanks grocery store!) every weekend, I actually love this job. After all those business electives I have been taking since my foundation year, the business woman in me is actually out there, promoting for a well-known company.

Oh lovely!

a tribute

2012-01-05T18:15:00.000+08:00

A couple of years ago, they went to this fancy Italian restaurant. It was probably the moment when he took a plunge into taking her out romantically. Usually it's just hawker stalls and sidewalk cafes but never a fancy romantic restaurant. It's the shift from casual dating to a romantic relationship.

She was probably thinking too much, but it became a big deal when he paid for dinner. Maybe he was doing it out of generosity, but most likely he did it out of fondness, maybe passion. It's pretty obvious, actually. She was just in a huge denial. She liked him as a friend, well perhaps slightly more than just a friend; but nevertheless, she wasn't ready to be in a relationship.

Not when she's in love with someone she couldn't have. It's just unfair.

Last night in a realm where bodies rest, minds awake, souls afloat - he took her out again to that same place. It was all the same ideal situation. The same fancy dress and the same fancy restaurant. When he walked her back to her house, he asked her persistently whether he would ever stand a chance. She could feel him hurting, and it broke her heart.

All these while she's been dating douchebags and losers, but this guy was a really nice guy. He didn't deserve to play all these games.

She cupped her hands on his cheeks, tilted his head lower and kissed his forehead.

She said her final goodbye.

Collateral damage

2012-01-02T23:33:00.003+08:00

"Lost and insecure, you found me" - The Fray

One thing she will always remember is that the room smelled of lavenders. On a whiteboard at the corner of the room was a drawing of a child; of happy-looking stick people standing closely next to a house under the sun. Every time she visited the room, she would look at the drawing intently. It was all too whimsical, too serene and almost surreal, but it helped her.

She found happiness in the drawing by the anonymous.

Five years ago I was under a lot of stress. I was insecure, uncertain of where I belong, and more than anything, I was fragile. In bracing the storm ahead of me, I lost a few that meant a lot to me back then. For a couple of years I felt shunned and betrayed, left to walk alone along the shards of glass that I've shattered myself. All I wanted was a helping hand, someone who cared enough to walk with me through all the pain.

*As I'm writing this, there's this one person who was there for me despite the distance between us. Despite the fact that I might be a laughing stock for everyone else at that time, she still stayed on and stayed faithful to me. For that, I'm eternally grateful and I know that I can always count on her.

We all heard of the saying that true friends stick through thick and thin; and though they may be right, we are often too self-absorbed in our own mess and stress that we can't see the bigger picture.

These people I'm writing about: They may not understand what I was going through and maybe a little scared of my emotional violence, but they were there for a reason. They were my childhood friends, my playmates. They were there to splash the colours in my childhood memories. They probably couldn't handle my mess, (afterall it's my mess), but they made their mark in my childhood and early adolescence so they did hold a large meaning in my life.

Today I finally realize that they did nothing wrong, but in fact they were collateral damage. Nothing more nothing less.

Though it took me forever to figure it out, the bigger picture is finally complete.

Happy New Year.

2011 - final chapter

2011-12-25T20:26:00.001+08:00

A very merry Christmas and happy holidays to my fellow readers!

It's been a tradition for me to write a recap for every year, so this time is not going to be any different. Afterall, since I haven't been updating my blog as much as I used to, the least I could do is to keep the tradition sound.

So here I am, reminiscing the year of 2011...

Summary of 2011 - the year of individuality

In case you readers haven't already know, I'm in a stable relationship and my boyfriend has been the most important and influential person of the year (and hopefully, if all goes well, for the upcoming years as well).

He successfully made me eat more!
I grew up. I don't really conform to social pressures like I used to, and in fact, I'm very content with the little bits of my life. It's good to be back!
I persuaded my boyfriend to complete his degree and work part-time. He took up my advise, and I'm so proud of him because the geek is like the top in his programming class. Hence, the cute little study dates begin.
Incubus came to town again.

Incubus was also the first international band I ever watched live!
I got shortlisted for X Top Model with my sister. I didn't get to the final round due to my lack of experience but on the plus side, I got featured in dailychilli.

My first catwalk in public.
Totally gave me an adrenaline rush.
Catwalked for Eco-Fashion Show. The designers were all from Raffles college. The materials used for the clothes were all environmentally-friendly. The show was good fun, though to be honest I really have to work on that catwalk!

My favourite piece that night.
For mid-semester break, my family and I enjoyed autumn in London. The weather, the buildings and the atmosphere was simply amazing. Wish that I could stay on longer, but I had to catch an early flight for the final round of Clean and Clear.

Hyde Park in London
That's right. I joined the Clean & Clear contest with my beautiful best friend. Although we didn't win the grand prize, we won the "Most Daring" category. Seriously, don't ask me why. I still haven't got a clue, I think it was all Wawa's boobs talking. Haha! Sorry babe.

Most Daring. Apparently.
Having spent the entire week hustling about London and bustling over the Clean and Clear grand finale in Sunway Giza, I was worried I'd affect my Monash grades.
Fortunately, I didn't. I passed everything with the best grades I had in Monash so far. Could be better, I'm sure, but I'm happy enough that my progress in Monash was for the better, not for the worse. Consistency and hard work does pay off. So far, I haven't failed any units in Monash, and I really hope I won't!
My cheerful Farrah introduced me to watermelon shisha. Worth the try! Amazingly it has this cooling effect to the throat.

I never liked shisha this much before!
After exams, I had a few ushering jobs. To name a few:

Panasonic True Beauty Product Launching
Yes, I am perfectly aware of my lack of bust.

Petronas Launching
These girls are really friendly!
Wawa got me an additional invite for MIFW from her designer friend, Zee. It was a wonderful experience, fresh designers in Malaysia really do have a potential to go far!

Malaysia International Fashion Week
I turned twenty! Had a lovely candlelit dinner with my boyfriend at Porto Romano.

Raw meat slices with mustard is delish!
Especially when savoured with salmon ravioli. Yums!
I joined the gym. Just because I'm skinny, doesn't mean I'm fit! Besides, better kickstart my twenties by living healthy. All those lab reports and research papers will drive me nuts one day and I need to destress.

If I didn't write this post, I wouldn't realize how eventful this year was. Thank you to everyone who made it a year to remember.

This time around, I won't write down my new year resolutions because they don't always work.
I'll just live my life by trying my best in everything I do.

The "compassionate" roommate dilemma

2011-12-05T08:24:00.001+08:00

DISCLAIMER: To those who know who they are in this post, I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings. I simply want to convey a message based on self-experience.

Ever heard of the saying that "you won't know what you got yourself into unless you realize that it's a problem"? This saying really goes by the book and as a matter of fact it goes inversely too. How many times do we judge a person based on how they deal with their mess? Thing is, we are in no position to do so as we won't really understand the problem unless we are part of the problem from the very start.

A couple of years ago, I knew a person living in my block who had a reoccurring problem with her housemates. Honestly, she was a really nice girl and at times I feel that it's her niceness and generosity that got her into a lot of trouble in the first place. She allowed a couple of her friends to stay over her place rent-free, and well, I was one of them who occasionally sleeps over there even though I have an apartment just a few feet away. She had problems with her housemates who didn't appreciate her for her compassion towards them, and at times she felt betrayed by the girls who hurdled around rent-free in her place. At first I felt sorry for her, but after a while I started to question why would she go through all the trouble for these people if all she will ever feel is betrayal, distrust and disrespect?

It's a shame that I've to admit that my sympathy for her degraded throughout time as I was closer to the other girls. However as time goes by, certain events happened that caused the degraded sympathy that I had towards her has truly molded into empathy instead.

When I got relocated out from my apartment by the college residence department, I moved back to my family home with one of my housemates. At first I thought she would stay for just a few months, however things kept on delaying and in the end she stayed in my place for a longer period than expected. It was a really hard and stressful time for me because I felt like my personal space has been invaded. My room was partially filled with her stuff and I felt trapped, I couldn't bury my head into my treasure chest like I used to every weekend, I couldn't talk to my parents without feeling vulnerable in front of her, I couldn't talk on the phone with my boyfriend for hours without feeling like I'm being eavesdropped. In fact, at times I do feel used because she wouldn't pay even half of my petrol despite staying rent-free in my family's home. And people call me a scrooge? Psh seriously? Come on.

I finally understand how this aforementioned friend of mine felt throughout the whole year with all these girls she was compassionate about. It's really not as easy to balance your compassion towards people and the feeling that you're being taken advantage of when you're in that certain position. As for the people staying in others' house, I'm sure it's hard too to balance.. perhaps your respect towards the person you're staying with and your pride towards yourself? (If someone could enlighten me that would be great)

Sad to say, if it wasn't because of us being shoved into such a dilemma, I'm sure we would all still be very close. Funny that when you think that when you can take a step closer to friendship intimacy, it really backfires and all of you turn into awkward acquaintances.

Having a roommate requires quite a commitment, and if I were to have one in the near future, it might as well be someone absolutely worth it like a husband. I'm serious.

About a workaholic

2011-11-30T03:28:00.010+08:00

"Excuse me miss, that person over there wanted me to pass this to you."

A barista of early twenties placed a bottle of passion fruit juice on the table, alongside with a folded newspaper clipping from the entertainment section. I was having a chatty conversation over coffee with my close friend at that time, and we both winced from the intrusion. Curious, I unfolded the newspaper clipping and there, neatly handwritten in black ink was a phone number.

I've always had a silly fantasy of having a cute guy approaching me in a coffee shop. Although, I would have preferred if I was approached whilst reading a good book alone at the corner of the cafe, and a tall dark and handsome guy would daringly comment on the book I was reading.. You know like those cliched romantic scenes that you watch in sappy Hallmark movies....

"Who was it again?" I asked the barista, biting my lip nervously.

He smiled at my gesture, and pointed at a person sitting two tables away from mine.

I have to admit that the person was kind of cute.

Unfortunately, I'm not into women.

Just this evening I was having a quiet date with my boyfriend. If you want to know what geeks and nerds do during dates, you would be horrified to know that our favourite activity is... studying.

My boyfriend suggested that we should host a show on "Jalan-jalan pergi study". No? Ok, sorry for the lame joke.

My boyfriend studies and works at the same time. He used to work full-time before, but knowing that he loves programming, I coaxed him into pursuing his studies while working, and at times I do feel awful about it. He pays for his college fees, pays for his apartment rent and bills, and pays for his car. Luckily for me, he is a freelance website programmer; hence he can do his work almost anywhere as long as there is internet connection.

And I thought I was a workaholic.

Unnatural selection

2011-11-05T00:37:00.009+08:00

My sister is currently working in a pet shop. That's an interesting idea, isn't it? Instead of dreading your days serving coffee to customers as a barista, or arranging magazines as a bookshop employee; why not work in a pet shop with the assurance that you'll get well entertained and comforted by cute fluffy animals?

That's the thing about animals. They provide you with the type of comfort that you can't seek elsewhere. It's not a surprise that psychologists say that pet-owners tend to have a healthier life than those who don't own pets. To me, pets make the best therapists. You can tell them just about anything, and they won't judge you or try to fix your problem by nagging you (not like these animals know any better anyway but still). When you have a lot in your mind and you feel like complaining but nobody really wants to listen; the best solution is to just rant all about it to your beloved cat or dog.

I am curious, however, about Persian cats. In fact, I feel quite sorry for them. I've always thought that these cute furballs are rather... queer. I'm referring to the pure-breeds here. They have strange protruding eyes that don't seem to be fixed properly into their eye sockets, they have that flattened face, grim facial expression, and honestly they don't seem very bright. Often, they lack enthusiasm and social abilities that most other cats possess. If there's any explanation that I can offer for the odd traits that these Persians have, it is most likely because these cats are inbred. Merely saying, a pure Persian cat is an example of deformed birth from incest. Pardon my choice of words, but the seemingly apparent deformity of Persians is a plausible outcome of generations of inbreeding.

With all due respect, I don't think that's quite fair.

Natural selection brings out the best traits from a species. Susceptible traits get dominated by competitive traits. That's how peppered moths came about and that's how dodos went extinct. Genetic variability is the key of the survival of the fittest.

You put those oblivious Persian cats in the wild, they'll just die with the rest of the pure breeds.

That's not fair. In the natural world, these Persian cats would want the best for their own kind. Like any other animals on the planet, they would want to mate towards existence. Not extinction.

Ever heard the story of the children of Adam and Eve? Of course you have. Putting aside the story of the murder, there were four of them; a pair of twins of male-female each. Adam arranged the twins to marry their alternate pair. I never thought of the legend in the perspective of science: but from what I understand; it was for genetic variability. It kind of reminds me of the Mendel's law of segregation and independent assortment.

Without gene variability, we will all be like those highly dependent Persian cats.

I have nothing against Persian cats, but just today I'm questioning the ethics and integrity of inbreeding these Persian cats in such a way that they won't even stand a chance in the wild. If I were to own a Persian cat, I would give that Persian an opportunity to provide a better future for his/her offspring; a chance to compete in the wild through a wider gene pool. Persian cats, like you and I, are living organisms. They're not stuff toys, or fluffy objects that you can mass-produce and make a rich business out of it. They are living things of inherent value with a goal to survive in the world, but they don't have the capacity to do that because they don't have the genes for it.

So if you have a pure breed Persian cat and you're about to inbreed it, think again.

What would ~~Jesus~~ Adam do?

Dear Pain in The Ass

2011-07-08T20:03:00.005+08:00

Dear Pain in The Ass,

It took me seven years, and seven years is what I need to realize how much a pain in the ass you are. What I realize is that most of our peers treated you like trash, step onto your toes and take advantage of your mindlessness and your desperation to fit in. I don’t make fun of you as much as everyone else did, but in the end I am the one you least appreciated. This may sound harsh, but maybe you deserve all that. Maybe you deserve to be treated as inhumanely possible because you don’t appreciate empathy. You don’t appreciate sympathy. You are just THAT low.

You know what? I’m sick of you, I’m so fucking sick of you I just feel like shoving my feet into your throat.

I GET the point that you respect her as much as I once respected her before. Honestly she was my crime partner, and that was as close as we got. She got my eyes open in a whole different perspective but after all that ended, I realized that whatever she dragged me into wasn’t where I wanted to be. That was not the path I have chosen. That was not I was raised up to believe in. Maybe it was part of my pride that made me go against her (which for the first time I was proud to be arrogant), but I’m glad that I got away with it. I just couldn’t stand being someone I’m not anymore.

I forgive her for mistreating me because (maybe) she did care about me when I was having my teenage crisis. In fact, I’m not upset with her anymore, but I’m more upset with YOU because you’re instigating us.

Be a sweetheart and stop all this nonsense. Do you want me to be just like any other person who downgrades you out of pure joy and satisfaction? Because if that’s the only way for me to get your respect, I’m more than glad to treat you like shit.

Annoyed and Frustrated,
Ms. Underappreciated

Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.

2011-04-28T23:35:00.007+08:00

"Because two can keep a secret if one of them is dead." - Secret, The Pierces

Have you ever wondered who you could really trust?

Regardless of how close you are with a person, or how long the course of a friendship is, or how many juicy secrets that person have thrust within you - can you really trust that person?

When ten years ago you were cycling to the candy store with the girl you usually share your lunch box with, and a few years later after that you found out that you share a common ex-boyfriend - and how you hate each other so much for that! Once friendship turns to hatred, is there really trust anymore? Wouldn't it just peeve you knowing that that person you once truly adored turn out to be the person you hate the most? Don't let me started with the risk of shooting all the bullets loaded in the gun!

Every time you make a friend, you take a risk. You risk your word and you risk your moral grounds.

So what makes a good friend?
A person that is worth the risk of your word and your moral grounds.

Otherwise, few years later it's gonna haunt you that you told something grave to the person you shouldn't have.

Natural selection

2011-04-03T04:18:00.003+08:00

With every action there's an opposite reaction. Newton said it right, only that it's not necessarily just in physics.

Despite the fact that mankind is known to be the most adaptable species on Earth itself, I'd say that we are not very keen towards changes. More often than not, we tend to see changes as something of a negative gradient, a tangent of a steep falling slope of dim expectations.

Three years ago, I was lonely, depressed, and love-deprived. I was a loser in denial, a nerd of my kind, and my true love were my books and the pieces of my writing. It would be a terrible lie if I say that I haven't created that man I wanted in the back of my head, an imaginary boyfriend that would keep me sane. A sanity through insanity. Problem is, that imagination is just a little twitch in the mind, creating something close to heaven.

Hence forth I ventured through space, realizing that there are male companions that are in fact, interested in such a person like myself. That imaginary boyfriend dissipated, and I started prowling upon them - one by one I suck the companionship virtue out of them and leave them when they get a tad too close.

Why? Because I'd never see myself being with them in any way anyway.

Things are different for me since the boyfriend came into the picture.

Things have changed completely. I hardly get depressed anymore, I don't feel lonely anymore, or wonder what it's like to love and be loved. That part of me who has been wanting to seek out for a special someone grew, and I can't believe that I could be as happy as the person I am now.

I'm convicted, and guilty because I get too overwhelmed with my own joy that I forgot that I've got friends, especially you who was there for me when he wasn't. For that, I want to apologize.

Leisure, pleasure and being cool

2011-03-29T02:28:00.004+08:00

I used to look forward going to college to meet up with people in the same institution. The thought of just chilling out in between classes, to meet new people and learn different cultures throughout the whole world - it used to attract me.

I wouldn't say that my perception on going to college has changed completely - I do still like the idea of knowing different people and getting to know their ideologies and opinions, but I look forward more for the workload. I have no idea what is the matter with me - but in all honesty, I do feel that I enjoy studying again. My determination to go to classes is so goddamn strong that I actually cried tears when I was late for my third Chemistry lab.

Note: There's a Malaysian term for this abhorrent attitude. It is called "poyo".

Let's face it.
We've all gone through a phase you're wildly adventurous and you want to do everything as much as you can. You put morality aside just to try it out. Testing the waters, so they say. But once you try one bad thing too many times, you move on to a higher level, and you eventually reserve yourself a seat to your own version of apocalypse.

If you haven't gone through that phase yet, try not to go too far into it. It's definitely not worth it. You may be "poyo" today, but ten years from now: you'll be a few steps ahead than the lot.

I wouldn't say that it's bad to have a little bit of fun here and there - it's definitely healthy when it's moderately sufficient. I'm talking about the social extremists here, the ones who have no idea what the hell they're doing in life and they just want to have fun.

The thing to put your mind into is that when you have too much pleasure, you won't even know what's leisure. Too much leisure, you won't find the pleasure in it, either.

It may be a bit too far-fetched, but I'll give you an example on a friend who screwed up due to her social extremism. She dropped out of college for having too much fun clubbing and drinking, she got her sponsorship on hold then, and she had to work jobs after jobs after jobs. Eventually she realized that what she was doing all her life was not worth the social exposure. She got back in school to do a local pre-university course, she stopped drinking and clubbing, and best of all - she converted to Islam.

I'm glad that my friend got the pieces of her life back together, but honestly - how many people can actually find the light in the tunnel given the scenario?

I rather be successful for my wits than my tits.

(p/s: considering I have proportionately big ones in the first place :P).

One happy kid

2011-03-29T01:14:00.006+08:00

I used to write a lot in my blog because I don't have anyone to turn to when I'm sad and lonely. This place used to be somewhere I lean on to when I feel that hope is frail.

I guess life has been doing pretty well for me ever since I found him to hold me, safe and strong. :)

Haven't you heard?

I'm madly in love.

and I can't recall being happier than this.

cup of coffee

2011-03-09T02:05:00.006+08:00

I made a mistake by drinking that cup of coffee I shouldn't have. One cup of coffee, and one night of beauty sleep is wasted away by insomnia, mild headache and possible narcoleptic occurrence the next morning.

Well, I shouldn't have drank that cup of coffee.

But I would have.

Because I have longed to write in this faithful, however unfortunate and unattended blog.

At a point in their lives, most people go entirely upbeat in their social life, where a large percentage of other people that they cross paths are people that they actually really do know and not merely just random people they just see around. At least, I thought so. Eventually I came to a realization that those people don't actually matter much - not even the ones you thought you are close to. Friends: they come and go. Some come back, some go and never come back, but sadly - friends that stay don't really stay. They are, after all people you either grow up with - or you go to school or college together with - and they don't linger long. They have other responsibilities to take care of - they have secrets that they might not even trust you to keep with. They are just people you thought you knew but once the bond is broken, the length of closeness is gone. The friendship is at stake. Fractured and wounded.

Friendship must be nurtured and sustained. Otherwise it is purely nothing.

If I must care, I don't feel so.

This time around I came up to the conclusion that the key to failure is trying too hard to make everyone happy.

I'll be selfish now. I'll cater to those who really want to see and talk to me. I'll take the worth of my pride down for those who really deserve it. I won't hover. I am at liberty in doing whatever I wish.

My life. Your life. Our life.

We part ways today.

The wall I create today is my own discipline.

If I must care, I don't feel so.

Because you know that I always have your best interest at heart.

This applies too.

Departure

2011-02-17T00:51:00.002+08:00

It’s that time again when somebody leaves and everyone knows that things will turn out differently in the future. I’ve never been fond of goodbyes, but I would prefer the good old way of having a formal closure – a gathering of some sort to give respect to a person who will leave to a foreign land before he returns to provide us new stories about things we never knew before.

I acknowledged the existence of this aforementioned man when I was fifteen years old. I knew that his face was familiar even before, I have seen him walking across around the school canteen, assembly halls and class corridors but I never spoke a word to him. I’ve had my share of friends who were lucky enough to be acknowledged by a person like myself – he was no exception. When he nodded towards me one day during that whole 2006, I think that’s when I even bothered to know what his name was. We became friends four years after being acquainted.

A few days ago, his brother planned a surprise farewell bash in his lush apartment. I would simply describe my friend being pleasantly surprised, but saying that he had this epic look of astonishment wouldn’t be an exaggeration either. That, and a little hint of sadness that he had to leave his homies after a year of being around, making close friends with everyone.

I only knew him for a short time, but he was one of the very few friends who actually had good topics to talk about. For that, I brood for his departure.

One thing that I was reminded of is that friends come and go. The only thing that can comfort the thought of it is the memory between friends will stay on for years to come.

I look forward for your return, my friend. :)

Under my umbrella

2011-01-20T12:10:00.003+08:00

When the song "Umbrella" by Rihanna first came out, I wasn't that big of a fan. The music is catchy and annoying, the type of song that would keep on replaying at the back of your head repetitively like a broken tape recorder.

Every time I listen to this song from the car radio or someplace else (because I don't have this particular song in my iTunes), I would cringe and get reminded of the past.

Five years ago, in 2006 - roughly when the song first came out, I was in my childhood friend's room, lying on her pink bed while she was on the computer, chanting away the chorus of Umbrella.

Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

"I hate this song. It's so annoying!" I buried my face under her cotton pillows, muffling the music from my ears.
"You hate it? I like it, because it's about friendship," she told me.

I remember the smile and the assuring eyes that she had when she said that. It promised me security, and I felt like I was safe to tell her my deepest secrets.

Six months later, I had one of the biggest breakdowns in my life.
She neglected me.

She didn't hold on to her oath to stick out till the end.
She never pulled me under her umbrella.

When the sun shines, we?ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

After everything that we had, all the bittersweet memories that we had gone through, from childhood to early teenhood,

When I needed her support the most, I was left to stand alone in the rain.

The aftermath of a choice

2011-01-15T01:35:00.007+08:00

Have you ever tried so hard to please everyone that the aftermath turns out disastrous?

Well, I have.
One time too many.

That is when priorities need to be straightened out. Priorities? Honestly, I have no clue. First off - to all the students out there, I bet you've heard that your priorities right now is to study. But what if the passion you have in that course wears off without the appropriate motivation? What if you grow old and grey, haggard and grim, and you realize that you've no energy to set on a cruise to that dream island that you had as a kid?

Why do I burn myself out and get weary without enjoying simple pleasures in life? I don't mean mindless pleasures but simple pleasures. Like basking yourself under the morning sun, getting wet in the rain, offering candies to toothless grandmothers, etc.

When you look back, what really matters is how happy you are in your life.
Priorities? Hah. That's just a more diplomatic term to describe the fundamental need of chasing fortune for pride's worth. I daresay, you set your own priorities.

Hard work pays off, but a hard work you're passionate about pays off even better ;)

Author Robin S. Sharma made me wonder about this whole concept in The monk who sold his Ferrari. The book is a bit dull and draggy, and I only read it in the car during terrible traffic congestion; but despite all that, the motivational texts are worth pondering over for.

# 2011 Task 1 : Go on a trip before semester begins!

Summary of 2010

2011-01-04T12:06:00.010+08:00

Wrapping up 2010, the year has been an eye-opener to me in may ways. I gained some, lose some - but the experiences have taught me a lot.

Summary of 2010

I formed a tight-knit bond with Ashmit, Kayla, Farah and Asha. We have the occasional chill-out sessions with Hayot, Kodir, Faisal, Arshad, Thevanesh and Devin as well and sometimes we have more people coming in and out of Farah's apartment. It was fun, quirky and we had a lot of drama in between. Everyday was a party back then. It was fun - while it lasts.
Farah got snitched out by a housemate for all the parties. Ashmit, Kayla and Farah moved into my apartment and Asha's. Little did we know, we had more problems to deal with later.
We got snitched out by a little bitch in the apartment. Don't blame her, though. We were rather loud after all. Just the fact that she brought problems upon herself - that was quite ~~dumb~~ bold
I stopped being friends with this particular someone. I presumed that we would fall out sooner or later anyway - considering how opposite we are. My grades skyrocketed, my well-behaved group of friends flourished, and things went back to order. She brought out the worst in me, and I realized how far I could stretch it just by being friends with her.
Found a new group of friends during the second semester of MUFY. It didn't last, though. Apparently they were
just people that I pass by while I seek out towards my first year of degree. As usual.
Genting trip with my best friend and her collegemates. That was a good getaway in between.
My results for second semester was amazing. 3 Distinctions and 1 High Distinction. I could have done so much better for my first semester and I would probably be able to apply for Medicine with if I was equally consistent during the first semester. Just goes to show that you need self-control when it comes to socializing. With a balance of both friends and studies, my results turned out to be very fine
Cherating trip with Suniel, Thevanesh and Devin. It was the perfect getaway before Monash happened. Ah yes, I remember those days when I make them play chess and scrabble with me.
First semester of Monash was somewhat mundane. I study, but not as much as I should have. Not to mention, I should have made more friends from the same course so that I can form more discussions to improve my grades. From MUFY, I realized that socializing needs to be controlled so that I don't flunk my grades, but in Monash, I discovered that you need a little bit of socializing with coursemates to get by with your course.
My results turned out to be quite bad. I could have done better and I will for the next semester.
I worked in MPH for a month. I was assigned as the Customer Service Assistant for the magazine department.
Reunited with Farrah Hannah during my birthday. This time around, I think we can rekindle our friendship once again.
My brother and Nadia tied the knot! The wedding ceremony was nothing but down-to-earth, just the way Abah raised us up to lead our lives. Superfair and flawless nieces and nephews are in the making. :P
For the last bit yet the best catch of my 2010 summary: I fell in love. Deeply and madly in love. After all those puny flings that I've gone through, I held onto the man I've quietly desired since 2009. :) If you know me well enough, you could tell that a few of my blog posts are meant for him, just him. As a hopeless romantic, I believe that this kind of love only comes once in a lifetime, and I'm very well certain that he is Mr. Right that I've been looking for after all this while. A bestfriend, a lover, a companion and a confidante all in one. I can't ask for more. I adore and I love him very much.
I celebrated new year with the boyfriend. We watched fireworks from Bangsar hill and had a nice supper later. 2010 was a series of events. 2011 will be another, for sure. I'll just count my lucky stars for now and hope for a better future this year around.

Four big lessons

2011-01-03T11:34:00.005+08:00

After a month of working in the biggest bookstore company owned by Malaysia, I realized that getting average of RM30 a day takes up a lot of energy. One thing for certain, my strength lies in my thinking captivity, not physically. Hence the resignation letter and the skipping around the office in the name of liberty.

Heh.

Lifting and carrying cartons is not what a girl weighing 45 kg should be doing.
Despite this abnormality, a few things that I have learn from Malaysian Publishing House (MPH):

Communication with customers
This is the most important skill acquired throughout my experience in MPH.
Whenever I see a customer walking up and down, back and forth with no direction, I go up to that customer and say, "May I help you?". Making a customer leave with a satisfied smile is my ultimate mission. It helps a lot when you can pull of a genuine smile. :)
Organization skills
My first impression of MPH is messy messy messy! The first time I walked into the storeroom, I was dreadfully surprised to see fortresses of magazines, scattered all over the floor! My supervisor actually made a joke out of this misery. "throughout time, I can actually create office walls from all the magazines around me" - Amin, 30. True though, the place was a complete disaster. I felt a tinge of achievement that after a week of working in MPH, I actually cleaned the whole place up. Even the stuff on the shelves are kept in order. It's the perfectionist in me, yo.
Product knowledge
Of course, I can't possibly stay in the storeroom just for the sake of pricing all the magazines that come in one whole day. Once in a while, I have to seek out to serve customers around the magazine department. While I arrange the magazines that those delightful customers have been reading and chucking off everywhere, I will be flicking through the magazines and get a general idea on what the magazines sold there are all about. With enough product knowledge, a higher precision and accuracy can be obtained to suggest the type of magazine they are looking for.
Speed and productivity
I'm a human machine, enough said. I pushed myself to the limit, and apparently I can price 600 magazines per day! I believe everyone else has the same ability to push themselves that far- if they put their mind to it. Why of course, it takes at least three days of practice to get to that high degree of productivity.

Finally I resigned from this labour work. In these two months, I'm not sure what I will do next.

the sandalwood texture and the scent of dried twigs

2010-12-02T02:15:00.007+08:00

I've always wanted to work in a bookstore. The privilege to unwrap packages of newly arrived published national bestsellers is the opportunity that I sought for when I first stepped onto the carpeted parquet floor as a staff.

At first I was confused whether to work in the bookshop of a big company, or to work in a humble local bookshop where I've been renting books since I was five. I was advised to take the former, as the experience is more vast despite the higher level of difficulty.

I was slightly in doubt and reluctance during my first day. I thought that what I was doing was very mundane, not mind-challenging as I hoped for. I sulked and prattled to myself that I am better off working in Kumon, where the work is flowing endlessly and yet I am satisfied with the productivity and my contribution in tutoring little children.

Today was quite an eye-opener. Managing a bookstore is not as easy as I first thought that it would be.
I was assigned to the magazine department for the time being. I've learned quite a bit from one of my seniors. He taught me on price tagging, housekeeping and keeping up with the stock of magazines. Magazines need to be replaced every month, and the magazine surpluses need to be returned to the suppliers according to the due dates. Basically my work involves paperwork, creativity in enhancing convenience, entertaining customers and restocking.

It's a lot of work, but that is exactly what I wanted.

Getting back on track.

Imagine being in a place where thousands of authors contribute million of ideas, and these ideas are compiled vigilantly through the printing press, where amazing pieces of writing are printed out on papers with sandalwood-like texture.

This place is the place where I'm working at.
I could actually do research whilst working.

The experience is worth every trickle of sweat and every passing moment.
I'm no longer in doubt.

the blood-bound stranger

2010-11-26T01:00:00.011+08:00

"She didn't take your dress. She just took your brother."

- anonymous

I saw her running out of my bedroom with my favourite dress hanging on her shoulders. She looked cheery as usual, but what was unusual was the fact that she was taking away my favourite dress.

She may have slept over in my room once in a while, but she never took away my dress. Odd gesture.

The next morning, the dress was still in its place, safe and untouched.

Moments after I realized that what had happened was just a dream, and it was the first time that she ever appeared in my dream.

My soon to be sister-in-law.

Analyzing the dream, the dress probably represents my brother, with my future sister-in-law happily prancing on her toes, taking away the symbolic icon of a brother. An interesting metaphor.

I have always been curious about my brother. I've never really had a heart-to-heart conversation with this peculiar person. I always thought it was perhaps the age gap that made it almost impossible for me to understand him, but at one point of my life I realized that my brother and I are very much in common - we just don't share.

Being two individuals who prefer to keep most problems to ourselves, the probability of us sharing deep secrets is an infinite negative.

I remember the first time I entered his room in my old house. That was the first time I was ever allowed to enter. The doorknob of his room had a hanging pirate monkey wearing a striped red pirate shirt with a text scrawled all over, "DANGER KEEP OUT!".

More than anything, the warning note made me curious.
So when I was given the privilege to enter the forbidden territory, I felt a tinge of acceptance.

Just when I entered his room, I could smell the stench of a male adolescent, too pungent for a little girl like my little self to sniff and tolerate.
He had a double-decker bed, and he'd sleep on the top bed with his Star Wars bedsheets, and the lower deck was emptied out for him to put his books and desktop and his little collectibles. The blue curtains draped across his windows matched his bedsheets, and one of the doors of his closet was hung open, with a glow-in-the-dark skeleton swinging in a circular motion. Looking up, I could see glow-in-the-dark stars pasted on the ceiling. I tread through the piles of clothes that lie around on the floor of his room and walked towards him shyly.

That was when he showed me one of his collectibles that intrigued me.
He held out a cookie box, and slowly uncovered the lid to build up a little child's anticipation. I titled my head forward, peering inside and caught a glimpse of a silver liquid called mercury. That was the first time he ever shared anything with me. A box containing mercury.

That was the furthest we got to until today.
Sharing stuff about chemicals, animals, and the wonders of science in general.

I am glad that he found someone to share his life with.

But sometimes I wish, we shared more when we had the chance.

For you, my love.

2010-11-22T15:30:00.006+08:00

I used to be very skeptical when it comes to love. I'm wise enough to know that loving a person is easy, I can just glide across my own void of imagination and trip over the perfect man that I created.
Suffice to say, I can just date anyone at all and presume that he is perfect for me.

It doesn't work that way, though. Loving a person is goddamn easy, yes. But to be in love: to wake up every morning thinking about that one person who means the world to you, to smile at the thought of that person, to spend hours doing nothing with that person and yet feeling fulfilled - that feeling is something strangely beautiful, something that you can never find within anyone else but that one person who is truly right for you.

The bottom line is, I am in love and I have never been this happy in my life. :)

I love you, I always have.

This course is a back up plan

2010-11-16T17:30:00.004+08:00

In the early days of the Chinese Civilization, elitists are the only ones who afford higher levels of education. Candidates of exams will be contained within the perimeters of examination hall, and results will determine whether they're fit to be well-paid government servants. Serving the country whilst immersing themselves in luxurious comfort is a secured pathway towards lifetime contentment, so to speak.

Today, local graduates with outstanding awards are not even secured with an excellent job amidst of their success. Jobs offered do not even justify their education status. Mere observations throughout generations, the locals find more opportunities elsewhere, out of the country - often the result is what we call brain drain.

Individuals who are born brilliant with a lot of potential to make a difference for their people seek out of their hometown because in there, they are not treated the way that they deserve. Their skills, their intelligence and their capabilities are undervalued by the common folk. Out there in a place where the sky meets the ocean, there are investors willing to hire these people with a well-earned salary.

I'd say that the path that I chose right now is what I call playing safe by the sideline. The agreement that I signed and sealed alongside with a legitimate witness keeps me in a secured position that InshaAllah, if I graduate from Monash, I'd get a job that is worthy of my education background.

For now - this is my back up plan.
What I dream of - is a whole different thing.

Those with big hearts

2010-10-23T15:43:00.006+08:00

A wise person used to tell me that as you get older, you can actually count the number of friends that you have with your fingers.
Eventually everyone else have their own life to deal with, and the warmth that you often seek from your friends are replaced with your own immediate family.

You can't please everyone at the same time. You will realize that the friends for keeps are usually people who can converse with you, not upset you intentionally, and generally be there for you for your sake. You don't even have to tell them that you're in trouble because they know you well enough that they'll be right at your doorstep to cheer you up.

These people are friends for keeps.

Because ten, twenty, or thirty years from now, you're going to look back and wonder where all your friends have gone to. You will remember the good things that you have shared, but you will realize that the ones that you miss the most will always be the ones who really do love you with a pure heart.

Not because you're beautiful, have fancy little dresses, or handsome or rich, good with the ladies, or a hot quarterback.
But because of what lies within the surface.

The superficial stuff can degrade throughout time. In fact, they can degrade anytime.
But a good heart and beautiful mind, they stay in there forever. You can't tell those things from the looks or the paycheck of a person. You can only decipher a person when you really know them.

These friends may stumble and fall and piss you off sometimes, (we're only human) but out of their good hearts, you will know for sure that they never meant to hurt you.
They love you for you, nothing else.

It will take time for you to realize who really deserves your appreciation.
So take your time to realize who these people are, and once you're sure, give them a massive hug for being such a wonderful person.

a fighter I know

2010-10-18T11:40:00.013+08:00

It was late, better yet it was early morning; it was one of those good old days when I spent good time with my close friend. The morning was hazed by mist, the quiet hum of the night lulled us in comfort.

I was too tired to go back home and tiptoe towards the main door of my house quietly, so I decided to crash at my friend's house who used to be very close to me. The connection between us are still there, but truth be told we just grew apart.

That night before both of us fell asleep on the mattress spread out on the floor, we had one of those deep conversations that I miss having with her.

"I still keep your note, I read it every time I feel down. It doesn't help much, but at least I have something to hold on to."

I smiled as she reached for the note from her purse. I unfolded the note, and it looked more crumpled than the first time I gave it to her. It warmed up my heart knowing that she did take it out of the purse and read it every now and then, adding up to the crumple marks.

I wrote that note for her a few months ago when she called me to have coffee together. She was looking for a new job, as usual and every time we pit-stopped at a restaurant for a walk-in-interview for herself, I would sit at a table and write. She was oblivious of my odd gesture, she thought I did that because I have always been a nerd who goes around places reading and writing, but truthfully I was writing a note for her.

There was nothing much that I could do to help her. All of us pushed her to carry on with her life, to succeed, to gain the respect that she has lost among a lot of people, but in my eyes she was still respectable - she could still wake up everyday with an authentic laugh. That's what I love about her most. The energy, the youth and the exuberance that she had within her was beyond my understanding.
She's one of the most amazing people I've met in my life.

A month ago this friend of mine stayed over in my house for a week while my other friend returned to her hometown.
I was really happy to find out that throughout the whole week in my house, I did not have to wake her up everyday for work like I used to before. She had her own willpower and energy drive to step up, and I was proud of her effort to change.

I returned the note to her and listened to her stories of life, love and friendship - some were very entertaining, some touched my soul. A person who doesn't know her that well will never know that she's gone through a lot of pain, but a friend who knows her long enough, can just look into her eyes, the windows of her soul and feel the sorrow she has bottled up after so long.
A con-artist in concealing her sadness, this friend of mine.

Before she fell asleep, she looked at me and said,

"Nina, just remember one thing. Always treasure the people who love you, the ones who are always there for you no matter what. Because when you don't appreciate them, you will lose them, and losing them feels like losing a diamond."

I pursed my lips into a thoughtful smile.
I fell asleep as the sun rose in the morning with precarious sun specks filling up the emptiness and darkness of the room.

I was reminded then, there's always hope.

it never ends

2010-10-16T23:41:00.004+08:00

There was a time when she shared all her juicy secrets with me. We had sleepovers almost everyday. We had lunch breaks every so often. We snuck out of windows like children with 9 pm curfews. We joked and laughed and had a hell of a good time most of the time.

It was all fake. At least most of it was.

I believe that there's good in everyone I know no matter how big of a pain in the ass that they may be.

Naive, I was.

It was never a solid friendship. She was constantly too selfish, too absorbed with her own world and never took notice of my problems.
I, being the one person who's highly tolerant of dominating people because I grew up being the youngest child/bully victim, got a metaphorical bitch-slap from this friend of mine.

We argued over things that should have never came between our friendship.

Clothes and boys?

Holy shit. Isn't that superficial.
I realized that such materialism was not embedded within me, and that the friendship was more of a burden than anything.

I left, and even when she wanted to be friends again, I drew the line of trust, and here we are now.

Strangers.

Good riddance, my friend.

I still cherish all the good things you did for me in the past.

If only you didn't screw that up by throwing shit in my face.

Metaphorically.

Don't bring me down

2010-10-14T09:55:00.007+08:00

Brisk-walking through corridors and hallways after my classes, all I could see were mostly degree students rushing from one point to another point, chasing after time, tiptoeing on due dates. I chuckle sometimes at this sight, because it's our lifestyle there. There is hardly any break, and our workload is usually beyond our capacity. By the end of the day, we would be totally exhausted but our exhaustion can only be reduced by a very small scale because we will never be well-rested.

Now I know.

I've tread the waters and I think I know how to get by now.

Social life must be reduced
Even though I've reduced my social life quite a lot, it's not enough.
If you socialize, you will miss out. So make a choice. Fun time in a short time or a lifetime reassurance? Ha. Screw the former, nay?
Getaway!
Chill-out sessions per week should not be over the board.
Getaways and events should be looked forward to once a month. It revitalizes energy to gear up your engine in doing work unlike typical chill-out sessions that just make you tired.
Learn to say no. Learn to prioritize
If you can't go out, don't force yourself. By the end of the day, you're going to sit for exams for your own future, no one else.
Get an organizer
Seriously. Missing out important college events that may be helpful for studies is not okay. There's so much you can do with those little bits of information from those events.
Avoid procrastination
Start working on those assignments the minute you receive them. You'll paint rainbows from a fresh start.
Remind yourself that you're under scholarship
The expectations of being a scholar skyrocket high enough. Remind yourself that you need to reach the stars because you were appointed there.

Foundation year was too easy now that I'm here.

This, my friends - is the real deal.

I used to be the top notch in my studies, no shit.
I want to go back there because I forgot how if feels like being on top of my game.

I've got time to catch

2010-10-11T17:21:00.008+08:00

You know what peeves me the most?

Tardiness.
In defense, I do agree that I too, procrastinate from time to time. Although, I wouldn't say I'm the biggest procrastinator. When it comes to my work, my time, my loss, I do procrastinate like any other typical day-to-day sloth. When it comes to keeping up with other people's expectations, it gets downright upsetting when you're tardy and take all the time in the world to meet my expectations.

#1 Punctuality is a form of respect
Yes. Respecting my time is a huge deal. George Gissing once said that 'time is money' and I second that. Money in my perspective is not necessarily a remuneration of some sort, but rather - it refers to anything that is deemed worthy, or of value.
Sure, maybe you've got a lot of things to squeeze in your schedule but I've got stuff to squeeze into my schedule too. If you think you can't squeeze me in that tight schedule of yours, please be a doll and postpone beforehand. Not at the very last ticking moment when my anticipation have built up beyond my patience. I might not show it, but it definitely peeves me off and I find being ridiculed this way very disrespectful and demeaning.

#2 Anticipation builds up with every passing moment
When I anticipate someone's arrival, my mind is directed to that one thing only. I am not so much of a multi-tasker that I can do my work when I anticipate something else.
I hate waiting. I can be very patient in general, but my patience draws a line there and anticipating is a very painful feeling.

#3 Tardiness degrades your reliability
I have different levels of expectations on different people. If you're a huge procrastinator, I will definitely not inform you in times of emergency and trouble. I've got my few share of friends that whenever that say that they're going to meet up at a specific hour, I know them well enough to be there one hour later. The tardiness becomes such a normality, that I end up devaluing my expectation on their competency and capability in keeping up with their promises.

unsettled

2010-10-09T02:24:00.005+08:00

She was sitting at the table right across mine. When she smiled and waved at me, I did the same reluctantly. Part of me felt grateful for her generosity and the shelter she provided when I was troubled a few years ago. But another part of me felt the bruised-ego and shame that I've inflicted upon myself because I knew that she would have told someone. From that someone, rumours - derivations of the truth concurred.

My pride was shaken, my good reputation curbed.
I destroyed myself almost.

I smiled back at her anyway.
The past crept back out from the back of my mind, and I stuttered in silence, capturing every bit of my dark history.

It was never settled.
It was forgotten, not even.
The witness, the prosecutor and the victim just turned a blind eye against that moment of uncertainty and confusion.

A tale to be told to feed the curious and the apprehensive.

you need direction, I'll be the guide

2010-10-03T11:28:00.008+08:00

Little drizzles of rain tapped gently on the rooftop last night, mimicking the rhythm of a familiar song by Death Cab for Cutie. Last night I was trying to sleep, shuffling under my bed sheets restlessly. Not because of something bothersome, but because of changes for the better.

I reached for his wristwatch as I watched the hand clocks spin in reverse, overwhelmed with the past and how it led to the present.

I am happy where I am now.
Finally.

Mid-semester break is over soon. Though it was just a week, it whisked in a brisk abruptness. I vowed to myself that once finals is over, I'll get that road trip and holiday that I deserve. I owe it to myself and my friends.

P/S - I applied for internship in independent journalism for the semester break in November. Anyone interested to join me, just give me a call :)

please bear in mind that I've got problems too.

2010-09-27T14:53:00.004+08:00

"You have a big heart. People with big hearts get hurt easily."
- a special someone

Tracking back my 2010 New Year Resolution, I realized that the first task I've to achieve throughout the entire year is to not get attached.

My progress?
A big fat F.

When you look at someone you don't know, you can just judge that person's character from the surface. The depth is unmeasurable, and it takes a person who really knows you to actually dive underneath the surface. Heck, even a person who knows you since you were in diapers don't necessarily know who you really are.

Especially when that person is the type who rarely talks, and does most of the listening - most people will just perceive this person as a quiet person.
Exhibit A, the blog owner of cukupsudeh.

FYI, I'm awfully bad at expressing my feelings.

I guess writing makes up most of it.
My blog would probably be my soulmate if it's a real person.

Being the youngest in the family is not as golden as it appears to be.
Sure, you get the most attention if you ask for it.
When you want something, you'll probably get it with just a little amount of effort.
But at the same time, you're the least acknowledged. Whatever you say which is important is marked irrelevant because you have the least experience.
To them, you're just a child.

I realized this way back as a kid. Thing is, it grows on until today when I'm nineteen.

Home is where I learn to keep most things in my own private sphere. Most problems need not to be shared because there is no point.
From there, I grew up to become an attentive listener and a confidential person at the same time.

I don't mind, really. I'm just stating the facts on how I developed such a skill.

I just want people to know that I've got problems too.
And asking, "are you okay?" won't suffice when what I try to say gets cut off.

Which is why most of the time I give up sharing my problems and end up writing my heart out.

I don't like this

2010-09-26T12:44:00.002+08:00

Dear Friend,

Sure it's not a problem. Go ahead and blame me.

When you look back, you’re the one who initiated that there was something between us when I know I feel nothing as much as I try to.
Then you blame me for leading you on.

Oh maybe that's where I did wrong. For spending time with you, I've lead you on.
So I thought, maybe that's right, I shouldn't have talked to you in the first place.

Now I'm guilt-tripped for meddling with someone's feelings. Yet again.

You’re the one who had intentions of such when all I wanted was a good friend to talk to. Someone I can be comfortable with and tell all my troubles without any mushy feelings attached.
Yeah, bloody hell it’s fine, go ahead and blame me.

Would you want to be with someone who fake her feelings for you just so that you’ll be happy?

No. I don’t think so.

So don’t go around telling that you have something else with me when there really isn’t.
I wanted to be friends with you. That’s about it.

I draw that line until that extent.
I do hope you respect that.

I'm sorry I can't feel the same way for you.
I just can't.

Truth is, I’m VERY tired of losing friends because of something like this.

Damn if I do, damn if I don't,
Defensive

My first loss

2010-09-23T22:36:00.003+08:00

I came back home after midnight last night only to find out that Phoebe went missing. I was worried, and I knew that I just couldn't bear the thought of losing another favourite cat after Noah.

Noah was my first best friend. I know it sounds sad and all, but as a kid I never had any friends. I wouldn't mind either because I knew that by the end of my school hours, I would come back home with Noah at my doorstep.
And I wouldn't trade him for anything at all.
My old house caught fire when I was five, and a few days later in the rubble of mess, my family found a litter of kittens. Noah was one of them, the one who survived.

Noah loved me best of all in the family and the whole family knew that.
Whenever I cried, Noah would paw me and snuggle me and made me all better again.

I lost Noah when I was fourteen. He was diabetic, and he kept getting seizures and seeing him sick broke my heart. There was one morning when my mum kept the balcony door open and that was the same day when Noah disappeared.

I started becoming insomniac that night.

I never had good sleep for a whole year. I never smiled and I hardly spoke a word to anyone. It was the peak of my depression. I blamed my Mum for leaving the balcony door open. I almost screamed at my Grandma when she told me that Noah was just a cat. I couldn't see another cat without having a psychological breakdown.
I printed out "Missing Cat" flyers, pasted them around the neighbourhood and went from door to door to ask my neighbours if they saw him anywhere. I even counted my shillings and was willing to give away my piggy bank as a reward for finding him.

I cried to sleep every night looking out my window, hoping that he would paw my face like he always did and purr in my snuggle until both us fall asleep.
But he never came back.

I swore to myself never to get too attached to anyone/anything anymore.
It was very difficult, but I finally found the courage to let go and accept the fact that he would never return.

He was the first friend who ever walked out from my life.
My first loss.

This morning, when I saw Phoebe at my spiral staircase, I was relieved. I squeezed her tight and told her not to worry me again.
She squeaked a painful meow.

little fragments of memories

2010-09-14T20:43:00.011+08:00

I want them back. All of them who slipped throughout the course of our friendship. I want them back. Believe it or not, I cherish every single memory that we used to share. The intimacy, the warmth, the comfort, the depth of understanding that we found from each other. I want them back. But I can't, because things have changed.

You.
I shook your hand after your bold introduction and we became friends ever since.
Do you still remember those nights when we used to talk to each other for hours by the stairs until we can see sunrise from a distance?
I miss you.

You.
We're two completely different souls but we share the same world.
Do you remember when I used to google about Chemistry and how at the same time you wanted to google about push up panties because that's how different we are?
I miss you.

You.
We're the serious stuck-up ones in the group, and for that I love how we click in a blink.
Do you remember when you used to cook for me when I was sick and how you wake me up with the smell of fish curry?
I miss you.

You.
Do you remember how I told you things will be different when you come back from your holiday? And I spotted right on because it turned out to be true?
I miss you.

You.
Do you remember how you used to feed me kebab every night in Inti until at one point I became fatter than usual?
How you got drunk and teared when I left for Sunway college?
I miss you.

You.
Do you remember how I used to give you the cold shoulder when I see you the first time but when you offered me choki-choki I just beamed, soon knowing that you were there for me for every rant and every big laugh?
I miss you.

I miss all of you. You slipped and I lost all of you. I've lost a big part of you and some of you, I've lost completely.

At times I sit and wonder, do you miss me too?

Is it really worth sulking over the loss and absence when it's been too long?

It's true what Wawa used to tell me.

"You can never get over someone. You just move on."

I'll keep in mind all the things we used to do, because that's the person I am.
But the bottom-line is, I'm moving on and I'm letting all of you go.

blessed with forgiveness

2010-09-11T00:06:00.010+08:00

“Sometimes the past is something you just can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”
- Meredith Grey

"Is something bothering you, Nina?" my friend asked me a few nights ago.
After spilling coke on my cardigan, got my phone stolen and misplace my car in the parking lot; I don't find it unusual for this tall and voluptuous young lady to be concerned.

Something is bothering me.
Allow me to rephrase; a lot of things are bothering me, but that one person especially.

The phone possesses a sentimental value which nobody can bargain with. The collection of saved texts that I kept- from the tiniest bit of sweetness to the whole chunk of lovey-dovey ones - they're all gone.

I was infuriated and extremely frustrated but then I stopped and thought, it happened for a very solid reason.

Without a phone, I'm disconnected from my peers. Maybe that's just what I need. A getaway without even getting away.

The janitor who I suspected for stealing my phone was perhaps a knight in ~~shining armor~~ Carl's Jr. uniform, cleaning up my past.
The series of unfortunate events may be a blessing in disguise after all.

Maaf Zahir Batin?
You bet.

Selamat Hari Raya.

the exuberance that I did not contain

2010-09-08T00:16:00.009+08:00

My green floral dress portrayed exuberance that I did not contain that day. It was in fact, just a piece of cloth I slipped into to give the illusion of such.
That morning I wanted to wear grey, but that would just undermine my security. So I grabbed the dress, and went out with hope that maybe, just maybe that I could feel whole again, and maybe I could wipe off that sulk off my face that had been there for weeks or perhaps months.

I was wrong hoping.
I was right knowing that it was merely a piece of cloth.

I miss you.

I never regretted knowing you last year.
Never regretted knowing that you were the only person who could suppress my pride and arrogance when no one could.

Sometimes I wish I never knew the truth. Yet I knew, and oh Lord, how it hurts so bad.

Changes.
We go through changes throughout, day and out. Cosmic intervention and situational obstructions.
Some changes are tangible, some not. Some we could feel instantaneously, and some we feel it gradually.
Regardless of the terminologies put upfront, we are patronized by changes - we are slaves of fate and destiny and the hazards of branched out paths.

Different routes taken, revelations unfold - we may meet again in the future within the intersection of these pathways, yet this is still uncertain. We can only rely on hope and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.

We search for ourselves and we keep on searching. We meet other soul-searchers along the way, and we bid them farewell when they have to go. We halt at a pit-stop of soul-searching because our companions have left - we feel the emptiness, the loss and the guilt of pushing them away.
We keep on faltering over our sins, leaving ourselves bruised and undone.

No. We pick ourselves up with all the courage we have left, because we believe that there is hope, and hoping is believing.

resolved complications

2010-08-28T02:49:00.015+08:00

"Forgive your father if you can. Forgive me if you wish. But most importantly, forgive yourself."
- Rahim Khan in The Kite Runner

A male and a female of early twenties were sitting in a restaurant with nobody else around them, just simply blurred objects as props. The man, who was unshaven and scrawnier than usual showed that he was seemingly perturbed. Reason was obvious. It was the female sitting right across him.

The catch is that this man was someone I used to date for a few weeks, and the female was no other than myself.
The silence between them was broken and he finally spoke out,
"One day you have to learn to stop being cruel to the guys who have feelings for you."

I woke up. It was hot at 4:32 pm.
I detained myself at home for the rest of the day.

An old friend who used to very close to me when I was in Nilai called me recently. It was such a pleasant surprise to hear his voice again. I started remembering how we used to talk on the phone for hours over nothing at all, and how we used to insult each other without taking offense and how he purposely called me in the middle of the night just to put it on loudspeaker for a good laugh with his friends.

We used to be very close friends but in the eyes of other people, we were like a pair of best friends in love with each other.

Shit happens, our friendship was at the brink of destruction, other people started to interfere with the bond made between us. My friends told me to get rid of him, his significant other and his friends told him to get rid of me - and in the end, the demons of others got the better of us.

He flew to another country to do medicine, and I moved back to my hometown to do Environmental Science.
I knew then, he would just be another person from the past.

But when he recently tried to find me and contact me again despite the geographical barrier, I was moved. I've stopped caring about whatever has happened between us a long time back, but the thought that he still cared - it made me happy.
Instantly my grudges for this person disintegrated, the tears I shed for him seemed worth the pain and all that matters now is the kinship that we used to share. Both of us realized that things would obviously never be the same, but I knew at that moment during the phone call, the complications that we had were no longer there.

I have always been solemn about friendships that turn bitter. Most of these friends never came back to fix things up, but he did. He really did.

The friend I knew in him was still there, and that's the beauty of it.

The demons of others didn't matter anymore. They shouldn't have mattered in the first place. It was our lesson of grief and that was all left to it.

It's not funny getting hurt, it's not funny hurting another either.
Punishing yourself may seem like the only viable option to redeem yourself, but it takes a lot more courage to just bury the hatchet.

dimensions

2010-08-26T01:24:00.007+08:00

Right now at this moment in the darkness with only a glimmer of moonlight piercing through my bedroom window, I feel nothing but a shard of guilt plunging into my heart for all the mistakes that I have done. The wrong-doings I have inflicted upon the people who used to be the reason of my rare optimism and enthusiasm.

Guilt.
That was the only deliberate emotion this little soul is left to deliver.

When a crowd of familiar faces gather to share stories within the circle, I'm usually inattentive. So often that I get disconnected from the world to whisk my way through the briskness of another dimension, a parallel universe which is both abstract and surreal.

Sometimes I do wish that I have the audacity to permit someone to enter this world of mine, to let them see things from my perspective. Let their eyes see what my eyes see. Let them value what is often devalued in my own context of epistemology.
To explain how I envision the way of life is almost impossible to fathom. Almost.
There will always be that immovable obstacle that draws the line of intimacy, the safe distance of faith, the level of trust.

For someone to earn such high standards leave even myself in bewilderment.

Disappointment will always be part of the contract. Dwindling faith will always be the outcome risked.

The irony of life never cease to amaze me.

cards on the table

2010-08-22T15:58:00.004+08:00

Revenge would make you feel better, put you on a scale of equality, a stand of your self-worth and pride, a defense against getting humiliated.

I'd second that back then when I was full of vehemence in my gut.
Then I realized that I can't afford to hate anyone anymore, it's just too hurtful, too much anger not worth the pain.

It was written all over, I should have known better.

Out of exhaustion in finishing up my field trip report, my friends took me away from the stress-zone and we ended up playing cards - a game of lies, Bluff or better yet known as Bullshit.
Provided with a deck of cards for each player, the challenge was to remove your cards and the first to do so is crowned winner.

It's a game of risk, of wits, of trust and of the benefit of the doubt.

Life itself can be coined as a game of lies.
How many of us have gone through our days without a single bit of an average lie?
Even if it doesn't involve another person, you can lie to yourself more without realizing it. You paste a fake smile on your face even though you are dreading your days, you tell yourself that you don't care about being blatantly unappreciated and uncared for, but truth is you do.

But what if it concerns another? What would you do if you find out that one person you care about lied to you from last year, and once the cat came out of the bag, it was too late because you've fallen a bit too far off, a bit too deep to crawl back out?

That's when you start lying to yourself again. You look out for other options, you seek for warmth and comfort from another, but it backfired and you slip into your own little puddle of deceit. You then realized, you are on your own and you will be that way until you could open up your heart to trust another person again.

You could cheat your way through the game, or you could be an honest man and still win the game of cards.
It's your call.

Volume III - Prologue

2010-08-17T02:29:00.020+08:00

Assignments, assignments and more assignments.

They keep rolling in like overrunning tap water. I've lost a big portion of my social life. I kept turning down every person's invitation to chill, hang and waste time. I can't afford to waste time anymore. In fact, bumming around at one place and sore my buttocks off - melepak as us Malaysians call it don't seem to be much enjoyable anymore. Sitting around doing nothing for long hours would eventually make me think of all the things that I could have done, the due dates that I could have caught up with, the amount of good memories that I could have created with tastier bits of incidents.

Yes, I've grown strands of imaginary gray hair and I'm probably reaching imaginary menopause soon.

A note to my favourite readers, my blog is made available again for public view.
That's a good sign. It means that I've moved on from my personal anguish, got back on track, and I've finally breathe in new air while I leave all those painful memories behind.

Happy Ramadhan Al-Mubarak everyone. Since fasting is somewhat a practice of restraining from bad habits, I'm making a point to restrain myself from being miserable. Ha.
You should do that too. :D

Finale

2010-07-25T22:41:00.007+08:00

It's never easy letting people go. Letting go means adapting to changes, it means replacing old things to new ones, it means getting new tablecloths for new tables, and new clean slates to paint new pictures. You can just watch from a distance to observe the people you used to cherish and think about every passing moment to slowly disperse into the past and be a part of your history, as you watch them treat someone new the way they treated you before.

I've realized that I do this to people too.

After a certain discomfort, I squirm myself free and lurk around to prey on another. I do this very so often that I came to a realization that being attached is not just my fear, but something I can hardly do anymore. I can't stick for long, or I will get suffocated and claustrophobic. All the same, I hate people leaving me as well. It's something that I hate to endure, and yet I inflict it on another person to return the favour. It's an on-going painful cycle of life.

A little birdie who doesn't know me that well told this person dear to me to be careful of me. This is not the first time someone told another person to be careful of me. It's flattering to be labeled as a dangerous person, really. After all, I do pull off the scary look with my discontented frowns, protruding eye-bags and witch-like frizzy hair. I don't blame them to be frightened of my monstrosity. Honestly, it is funny to be an effortlessly scary human being.

Remind me not to accidentally blurt out about my freakish past. I don't want to cause sleepless fearful nights to my peers. I'm sorry. I don't bite at all actually. I'm just ~~a little~~ fucked up in the head.

It's equally bad when people warn others about not to be involved with me romantically because I "go for a lot of other guys".
Truth is, I just let all of them go chronologically because I always find something wrong somewhere and I just back out before things get any serious. To prevent any further major heartbreaks.

"You're just confused and sometimes it's not healthy to the people around you," he told me after I decided not to see him anymore.

I closed the chapter of confusion, and now I'm moving forward to study in Monash without college guys making me depressed. Honestly, this time I really mean it. I'm tired of this mess.

Self-reminder : No more college/university boys. They are gossip mongers. Even if they're not, they have open source to overflowing gossip.

I'm coming home

2010-07-24T23:13:00.010+08:00

I got tired of drowning in my personal pool of anguish and despair so a few hours ago I finally decided to return back home in the arms of my loving but mind-your-own-business family. I started drafting the calculations of my finances, and summing up from my scribbles - I could save up quite a thud of money if I just stay back at home. I mean of course, I wouldn't be living that campus life that much anymore now, but honestly I don't think I will even have the time to savour that lifestyle now that I'm doing degree.

Now I have an excuse to just curl up and lock myself in my own private yet excruciating world. People can't exactly barge into my house door because parents are very much like scary bouncers. Teehee. Oh, and apart from my parents, I will have more time for Phoebe and Mneme as well. Pretty soon Phoebe will start sleeping with me again like she used to as a kitten.

Living alone for almost a year plus (with exception of weekends), I did learn a lot. Between tight budget, freedom, formation of close knit groups within apartment area, lovers, haters, and everything in between; yes sir, you learn a hell lot.

Reality
First of all, nothing lasts forever. BFF? Love you forever and always? Blah. You can say that when you're fifty or something. For the time being, people will always be people and they will continuously walk in and walk out of your life whether you like it or not. So, being the eternally ferocious pessimist, I've decided to not get attached to anyone until I'm completely ready to hurt myself once more. Realize that your friends can get you in a lot of trouble and they won't save your ass so much anyway when you're in big shit.

Mutuality
As for housemates, get someone who can get along with you. Everyone is prone to housemate-hating. ~~Especially the disgusting ones who hang their undergarments in the hall.~~
Not necessarily someone who likes the same shit like you do either, because you tend to hate parallels of yourself more than anything. A good variety works best. Have a good understanding with your housemate, though. Your housemate may be a party addict and you may be a bookworm who sleeps under your academic books; but you will soon realize that being socially handicapped, you kind of need her, you know.

Affordability
If you can't find a housemate, better not take the risk of paying the whole apartment and scan for potential housemates later. It's so much better to have the right number of people staying in the apartment before actually renting the apartment. You can probably save up more cash to buy proper kitchenware, not plastic cutlery and paper cups.

Practicality
Despite being very lenient with my friends, I'm quite a monster when it comes to authorities. Try not to make your housemates take advantage of your OCD with the big guys, or take advantage of your "I'm cool with anything" attribute because you may end up crying in your new bedroom after finding out that it's too dodgy and inconvenient for your ego. Learn to say no. Make your own research for your comfort and convenience because you will probably end up walking forty minutes back and forth to college and apply three bottles of SPF lotion every day before your journey.

Responsibility
You know what I mean. Try not depending on your housemates as alarm clocks, dinner servers, assignment reminders. They're not your mum. Your housemates can be as much of a useless pig as you are.

This is plainly written based on first-hand experience.

I've jinxed myself

2010-07-15T20:08:00.006+08:00

Dear Poser,

I did it. I deleted all those sweet and sentimental messages because I have come to a realization that those are merely digital texts which you don't mean. False promises and fake concern - I removed those trails of the past. I will never see you again in the near future. Incredulously, despite your knowledge of how much I distrust people, you ended up being just like one of them. Gosh, you're such an inconsiderate turd that I wish I never told you anything.
Even though I love proving how right I am, I hate this part when my negative premonition hit the right spot once more. Woops, yet again I've jinxed myself.
Thank you for everything, though. You've been a nice guy to me regardless of your insensitivity. A little advise for your future conquest however - be more sincere with your words. If you don't mean what you say, just don't say it.

Gotta bounce,
Paranoid.

So long suckers

2010-07-10T18:35:00.008+08:00

Holidays is coming to an end, and instead of using up my holidays getting frustrated over repetitive simple math questions in Kumon, my holidays this time is just to lounge, chill, relax, and hang out with my friends.

It's safe to say that I've graduated from MUFY, and seeing my results this time compared to my previous semester, I wish I didn't have too much fun back then. Too late to regret anything, so I'll just take the best from both worlds and be better next time.
Anyhow, the thing is I have graduated, I kept my scholarship safe despite risking it several times because of spiteful housemates, and I have my place secured in Monash for degree.

Between reading, Cherating, good friends, withered friendship, and new strong bonds, I think my holidays did pass by in a breeze. At least I'm well-rested before the new batch of eyebags come out and play.

Yes, I'm joining Monash finally.
I can barely wait. :D

how things have changed

2010-07-09T12:15:00.013+08:00

There used to be five of us who barged into each others' doors with a you know what expression written across our faces almost everyday. We would always have stories to share among ourselves. Big or small - we just had to tell. We were really close, and whenever we had a problem or two, we'd have a conference by the staircase and we would settle it there and then. We didn't keep our dissatisfaction within the core of our hearts but we voiced them out in order to keep our friendship intact. We could not avoid bickering a little here and there, but what we know was that we looked out for each other no matter the consequences.

At least, that was what I thought.

Cliche as it seemed, things have changed.

A lot of damage was done. And like how most of the friends I've had ended up - we broke apart.

I couldn't hear to Taylor Swift without feeling disgusted anymore, but it was never completely the little person's fault to begin with. It was us.

We were just fun and games for a while, but when the real disaster dawned upon us, we started pointing fingers to each other. Natural reflex.
At that fragment of time, I started questioning what was really worth fighting for. My trust issues shrivel like dried apricots, and I distracted myself with piles of stressful college assignments.

Among these girls, there was one whom I trusted the most. We used to lie in my room, staring at the dusty window draped with old curtains, listening to my junkie music while talking about small things that matter. I could relate to her most because she took her life seriously and is very well principled when everyone else was just floating on the sidelines not knowing what they were doing.

When there was a war between her and another two, she got fed up and left.

She still kept in touch with me, but I knew things will never be the same between all of us. I too, stayed away from everyone else, moved somewhere else and tried to forget everything. Most of all, I was overwhelmed with whatever had happened, and the only thing I held onto about her was her Cookie Monster stuff toy which her boyfriend gave to her. (By now I realize that I sound like a lesbo who's jealous of her friend's boyfriend)

So after months of not hearing from this long lost friend and finally being able to see her, I felt a surge of happiness, relief, nostalgia and sadness all combined in one embrace.
Fortunately, she was still the same usual her. Her sarcastic jokes and dirty mind, her genuine motherly concern, her peculiar man-made noises and of course, her eleven fingers painted with light blue, orange and yellow nail-polish.

Look for her extra thumb :D

I am sentimental

2010-07-06T10:17:00.009+08:00

I am having a very hard time deleting my messages in my phone inbox. Sweet texts, funny ones, apology texts, and my own angry sent texts - I hoard them like a glutton wild boar.

Someone used to tell me that this habit shows how vulnerable I am actually. He said that once my phone goes missing or damaged, I'll surely be depressed. He told me to keep things that last longer, that have a lower risk of going missing. In other words, non-virtual objects.

Thing is, I do that too.

Have you ever sat next to a person, and you could still feel the distance between you and him? It's not the measurable distance, but it's the distance of intimacy.
This particular distance is uncontrollable. You may think that you have it within your power, you can do things to make things stay the same but you can never be too certain. In the end, that person will fall into the same category just like most other people. The used-to-be-close category. Sucks, isn't it?

How you tell someone you thought you could trust on how you fear getting wounded, how you have trust issues and the whats - it's just as a disclaimer, a warning of your vulnerability. The warning is hardly taken into consideration, however.
Initially, that person seems concerned but eventually this same person do what everyone else did to you. It's just like scratching your stitched wound, turning it into an open wound once again.
What kind of a sick bastard would do that, really?

So when that person walked up to me few weeks ago, I knew that I could never trust him anymore. The depth of understanding, the whimsical feeling I used to have when we hang out - it's gone. I could feel it breaking lose, I knew that at that point, things will never be the same.
I fell out.

Just as I was falling down in despair, someone I least expected caught me in time. Thank you :)

Self-evaluation

2010-07-03T19:16:00.003+08:00

Turn ons

Boldness and guts
Intelligence and wits
Responsive towards my subtle games
Respectful
Responsible
Dominant leader
Temper (I don't know why)
Conversationalist
Moderately corny
Friendly towards my friends
Spontaneous and adventurous

Turn offs

Pussy
Inability to counter attack my belligerence
Pussy in playing with my games
Rude
Lazy
No balls to confess
Easy to control
Illiterate
Abusive
Overwhelming seriousness
Timid
Shy away from my friends

P/S I'm not looking.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Are you sure?

2010-07-01T05:52:00.009+08:00

I just got caught red-handed by my Dad.

Should have been cautious, but in a way I have always been curious about what would happen if secrets unfold.
After all, we all keep skeletons in our closets.

The experience of being able to communicate with people who do a lot of shit in their lives - they're priceless. People normally trust others who are equally, if not, almost as ruined as they are. Sad, but true. That is how the sons of the devils come out and play. They would be gripping pitchforks with peer pressure attached to them, and us - as the players - we have a choice either to be the knight, or the pawn of their game.

Trust is to be earned, and I gained a lot of trust from people because they see me as ultimately screwed. Mind the over-dramatization, but it's a point I would like to conclude. A bad-ass would find himself most fitting with another bad-ass. A goody-two-shoes will find more comfort within the rubble of his kind. I'm not saying that I'm a bad-ass. Nor would I say that I am a goody-two-shoes. To one person, I might be one thing and to another person, I would be something else. Perception of different people implies differently. I find a lot of clarity by not talking much ever since I was a child. Preferably, I would just listen. It's so much easier when people don't know what is going on in my wired mind. It saves all the trouble from explaining the line of thoughts that most people find ridiculous, preposterous and of course - presumptuous.

"I think you can get obsessed easily," a friend of mine told me last night as he took a long drag from his cigarette.
I flinched in my seat. My OCD has always been quite a defect I thought I've overcome. I didn't know that anyone could detect that defect without knowing me that long.
"Why did you say that?"
"I don't know, it's just that when something catches your attention, you'll go crazy over it."
I didn't find any reason for me to be defensive. He was right. Helplessly, I just smiled.

Tell you what, I have always been a curious person. Human behaviour is not an exception.

Amazing movie. I didn't know any movie could reach me this much since 500 Days of Summer. I wish I discovered this earlier.

ambiguity

2010-06-29T15:00:00.005+08:00

A few months ago, my English class lecturer was telling the class about one of her friends who go out with four different men casually. She thought that this friend of hers would end up with the best looking and the richest of four, but it was quite the contrary. The friend eventually settled with the least good looking. The counter part was that this man has got the most decent personality. (I know that this sounds cliche, but what lies within matters more than what's on the surface)

My English class lecturer then questioned the class whether or not it's okay to date different people at the same time.

The class fell silent.

I don't know what I did, but somehow my lecturer caught the vibe of uncertainty from me and she repeated the question to me.
"Nina, what do you think?"
I bit my lip.
"Do you think it's okay to date different men at the same time?"
I looked up at her finally, and nodded nervously.
"Yes. I think it's okay. Keep our options open."

My lecturer gave me a Mona Lisa snicker. I think she actually knew about me more than I thought.

That's the thing about relationships at such an early age. Honestly, what are you rushing for? I don't quite see the purpose of letting go of your solitary life when you're at your late teens or early twenties.

Ah, my mum did. At my age, actually. I still don't know how she did it. To top it up, Abah was his one and only boyfriend. Whoa. My mum was super hot, by the way. She has aged gracefully, and she still is very beautiful. If my mum did not surrender her youth for marriage, I wouldn't be here, blogging about how confused I am.

Probably I love freedom too much that the thought of feeling detained just eeks me to no end.
Can you imagine Nina as a housewife?
I can't even crack an egg properly without getting my fingers sloppy.

Ohhh I did try being serious. It was hell.

So after going through a pit of hell, I thought it's best to be casual in the end. I feel more peaceful that way.
Emphasize casualty. The affection is there, but there are no strings attached.

However, you wouldn't know what will happen in the future. The future is very subjective. I think all my close friends will have a laughing fit if I ever get married before my thirties. Seriously. It's ridiculous to even think about it.

Besides, I'm getting sick of this kind of life. It's inconsistent, but it not surprising anymore either. The ambiguity in this is that the inconsistency is becoming consistent.

Guess that you really have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. You wouldn't know if the frog you thought you could trust would wind up making you frustrated, right?

"I'm so glad that I didn't fall for you when I first saw you," a friend told me on the phone last night.
"Thanks."

I clicked my cell phone shut.

the getaway

2010-06-28T15:35:00.005+08:00

It was moonlight, and I escaped from the chalet for a quiet walk alone on the beach. I could not remember how far I walked and whether I got lost, but I didn't bother because the ocean was too serene, she was just too beautiful. I draped myself on the sand facing the ocean as I watched the waves roll towards me. I shut my eyes close and inhaled the ocean breeze while listening to the voices of the ocean.
I then realized, that it was the getaway that I needed after so long. At that exact moment, I could feel that it was as if all my troubles and sorrows were swept away by the ocean goddess.

I loved it.

oxymoron, yes?

2010-06-24T02:30:00.003+08:00

Time and distance – despite their relationship to create several physics concept and formulas, they also create this emotional concept called absence.

When you haven’t heard from a person like you usually do, you start missing that person, right?

I have mentioned that time heals everything. I may be prone to exaggeration like Herodotus and his preposterous beliefs about Atlantis, but truthfully time does heal everything.

So, the period of absence or time makes you miss a person. But time itself can make you stop missing the person.

A circular paradox.

A snake’s venom can poison its prey to death. However, the venom itself can be used to counter this effect, restoring the prey back to good health.

Time works exactly like venom.

The time of separation can make you feel the absence, make you miss that person but when you extend the time longer, you will stop missing the person. You get used to the distance and absence, and they won’t matter much to you anymore.

They will just be strangers that you used to know.

Another circular paradox.

revelation of a new revolution

2010-06-22T01:15:00.010+08:00

Disclaimer: This post may be highly offensive to both nail polish lovers and well-rounded virgins. Whatever comparison I have written here is merely figurative, unintended to offend anyone.

You are now part of a society where Entertainment is the core religion; Lady Gaga is the priest, Hollywood is the Holy City and MTV channel is the Book of Eli.

Welcome aboard. You have entered the Entertainment Revolution, year 2010. This is the age where everything you think is real is actually superficial. Rhetorically.

Similar to any other revolution – corruption and ignorance are the guns and bombs of destruction. Previously, we have endured history of political turmoil with economical disruption, biological warfare and now a new weapon is found. Alas, you couldn’t have been less true – entertainment is both our lover and our enemy.

Music is a beautiful form of art, undoubtedly. However in this new millennium of abomination, music has been molested into something rather disgusting. The lyrics portray sex, so-called love and more sex. The tune, despite being upbeat and catchy; is designed to serve one purpose and one only – seduce the people of the revolution to crumble into the industry of lusty pleasures. I’m not disrespecting anyone’s interests over here – because despite the crazy sales and the success of this type of music to go on the top charts, let’s face it – there are better musicians out there with better talents and better meaning and life brought in their music, more deserving to be called winners. Now all we see are music videos of people flashing their gaudy cars being flocked by bombshells.
With children who know nothing dominating the music industry - sweet and dandy at first but screwed up after a certain age - the cycle gets predictable and originality has submerged into the valleys of zero-creativity.

Similar to other forms of entertainment – movies and games, they too are forms of art. Properly enhanced, we’ll attain an effective solution of overcoming the yawn of boredom in repetitive education practices. Abused, you’ll get a society that is extremely ineffective. Of course, apart from being overly enthusiastic in activities which help you excel in sleep and food deprivation, or perhaps being more educated in pornography.

Everyone is slowly becoming just like everyone else. There is no distinguishable difference between a person and another. If a person seems to have an interest in something else than the two things that keep this revolution intact (which is sex and drugs), that person is a freak of nature.

No dope, you’re not cool. No sex, you’re gay. No alcohol, you’re a saint. Love reading, you’re boring. Low on the clubbing radar, you’re insecure. Muslim, terrorist. Hijab, conventional. Jew, scrooge. Malay, lazy. ~~Nina, crazy~~. Chinese, another scrooge. Indian, long-winded.

The list of stereotypes could be a longer list, but you get what I mean, right?

Let’s flip the other side of the coin.

You’re raised in a good family with good moral values and education. Your teachers love you. Your parents are proud of the fact that you don’t have to be told to eat your vegetables. You finish your homework on time, you volunteer to answer questions in your class, and you do your chores perfectly. You’re a virgin in sex, drugs and alcohol. You’re basically a rebel of the Entertainment Revolution. Good for you.

In a classroom of various cultures and heritages, you seem like an angel. However, the person sitting next to you is the total opposite. He is an atheist but a follower of Lady Gaga and the holy lands of Hollywood. You find him profusely repelling. Not good.

Drugs and sex may lead to epileptic seizures and unwanted uterus expansion but with a self-righteous and self-proclaimed saint judging the sinful; you can actually be worse than the other. Humiliation would just cause more chaos. You may seem concerned about the moral values of another but your thirst to see that person fall is still quenched and your appetite for destruction is still filled. You are still content, even just a little.

The atheist thinks you’re not open-minded enough.
You think he is shallow and indecent.
You flaunt all your polished values and yet, you are still presumptuous enough to judge him. Where is the value in that?

Without realizing it, you might be a bigger monster after all.

You may think you’re cooler and more awesome than your seatmate who reads Sci-Fi every morning before class, but you’re still more ignorant. So after years of walking along the path of Entertainment Revolution, you decided that being ignorant is equivalent of being cool?

Centuries ago, icons like Socrates or Alexander the Great are highly influential for their wisdom and strategy, but today we look up to people in colourful costumes, dancing and singing to the beat of songs with little or no meaning.
You prefer Aristotle over Madonna and you’ll get a metaphorical tight slap from the modern world. So what if you have a knack for dead philosophers over a talented middle-aged woman with the energy of a teenage girl? Having an endangered interest doesn’t make you any less of a person.

There’s no point patronizing another, you’re still flawed yourself.

People will always be people. Whether you like it or not, you and I, both have personality warts.

the sophist is a sadist at heart

2010-06-19T08:27:00.008+08:00

It's uncanny that we find humour from the pathetic occurrences of others. Maybe most of us are born with sick twisted minds and a queer taste towards the rubble of life blunders.
Or maybe, it's just me.

I was told that I am quite sadistic. Perhaps more than just quite.

At times when I am sitting on a pile of shit (I don't mean literally, mind you), I'd take a moment to laugh at how funny the whole problem would be the next day. Of course, I don't mean horrible catastrophes involving deaths and cancer and the whats, but puny ones like how you publicly humiliate yourself and how you unintentionally drag your friend into your mess.
Eventually, after paying your time getting depressed over your problems, you'll somehow laugh about your own stupidity.
They make the perfect pillow talk conversation with close friends, spiced up with hysterical giggles and embarrassed face-palms.

Next time when you find yourself at the brink of tripping into a pit of depression because of your petty problems, just give a few seconds to remind yourself of how hilarious it'll turn out to be overtime.
You might feel much better. No shit.

Even being a sadist helps too sometimes.

the conversationalist

2010-06-18T02:05:00.011+08:00

I woke up today with a text from an old friend whom I recently got upset with. It's written in between the lines with a notion to 'patch things up'. With the merciless afternoon sun burning hotly against my skin, I understood the text almost immediately and rose out of bed.

Few weeks ago, I was pretty pissed with this old friend of mine.
Few hours ago, we were pointing at old buildings of scraped wall paint across a lake.

The world works in mysterious ways.

Entering my old friend's car is like entering my dad's old four-wheeler. Despite the resemblance of his car to a pumpkin (for being orange and my 12 o'clock lame curfew), the music atmosphere brings about a highly appealing sixties vibe.

Who would have guessed that a stranger who introduced himself randomly with a fervent handshake would end up having coffee with me the following year as an old friend?

Now, be happy because I turned the angry blog-post into something very sweet. Shoo.

it takes a weirdo to tell you that

2010-06-15T04:29:00.007+08:00

It's good to be alone sometimes. At one point, I just get tired with everyone around me. I just feel like being away, being distant, aloof and unheard of. People drive me up the wall sometimes. They just don't know when to stop yapping away. It's frustrating, really.

Take a moment and seize the silence. Can you feel it? Just the sound of the clock ticking, the fan spinning, or maybe the sound of empty darkness. It's pretty liberating, isn't it?

Life's too short for you to be just like everyone else.

the crazy cat lady speaks

2010-06-10T09:18:00.008+08:00

Disclaimer:
- This whole thing is a matter of generalization from a simple mode of inspiration, I’m sorry if I am about to offend anyone.
- I’ve been watching Astro again after a very long time.
- I love cats.

A female seal silver-lynx point cat stared outside the window with her head tilted at the side. A couple of years ago, when she and her sister pranced about in a dodgy town as kittens, they probably wouldn’t have expected that they would soon be lifted out of starvation and the disgusted looks of pedestrians. Out of compassion by an animal-lover, these kittens soon found a shelter provided with unlimited food supply and tender loving care.

This morning when I woke up, I spotted Phoebe pawing my room glass window as if she could break it open. It is not unusual for my female cats to do this habit of staring outside windows, but this morning it was quite different. I was inspired in a sense. As a matter of fact, enlightened would probably be more a generous term to describe my feelings.

Sometimes when you love a person, an object or a cat in this matter – you actually don’t have that willingness to let go. You tend to greedily hoard it and when you lose it, you dwell over your loss in vain.

I noticed how a couple instantly get hitched because they claim to have that self-proclaimed Disney love story and a Hallmark happy ending attached to it without foreseeing that in a few years time or less they tend to switch to History Channel.

#1 Situation
A man provides his wife wealth and fortune, expecting her to take care of the fortune and raise the children at home. On top of that – he shows his discontentment when the woman walks around splurging his income for leisure, confining her into a cage where she has no space or freedom at all. It scares me thinking how a housewife tends to devour herself into the pleasure of getting behind bars by a man who claims to love her. Forget housewives, it’s even happening to unmarried couples in this 21st century. *headdesk*

#2 Situation
Loving your *cat too much that you can’t let it go. The question here is whether that love you have is of a bigger proportion than your fear of being lonely? I second that notion. With loneliness there are strings of absence and emptiness – highlighting depression in general. Since depression can lead to suicide, you seriously don’t want to risk losing your cat. (note: *cat is a symbolism of everything you love, care and cherish). Tom Hanson, I second your notion. Loneliness is underrated.

So,
would you lose your freedom for security, and/or
would you bargain somebody's freedom because of your fear of loneliness?

Everything comes with a price. Making a choice is a painful task.

P.S: It is in my nature to over-analyze matters that others don't. This is why I am very absent-minded in simple things like the direction to my own house and what to eat for lunch.
Sorry, I'm not perfect.

another one bites the dust

2010-06-08T04:12:00.007+08:00

Dear Great Disappointment,

I don't understand you. I realized that I never did anyway. So all this while it was simply a form of misunderstanding, a disgusting dispute based on nothingness?

You refuse to talk to me just because I intimidate you?
Because I appear to have a distaste towards nonsense?
Because of my big gaudy words I blurt out when I'm upset?
Because of my monstrous hair who scares the living shit out of you when you piss me off?

You clearly don't know me at all.
Better yet, you didn't even try.
You simply jumped into a conclusion that I in fact, hate you. Hate is too big of a word, as I mentioned. Disappointment is a more definite term.

I don't hate people out of the blue. Hatred by me is only gifted to those who really earn it. Lucky you, you don't earn my hatred.

It happened seven months ago, and tonight while I was reading Plato, you suddenly decided to explain yourself through a common friend?

You should have told me earlier. It's too late to turn the tables around now, isn't it? I didn't even feel anything when you finally cleared everything up. There was no remorse, no eagerness to fix things up because it's too late.

I have decided to close the door between us. The door's locked, a wall is built, forever sealed. You don't expect a miracle to happen and I would somehow blowtorch my way through that sealed door, do you?

You've failed me and you're out.

Forgiving you and forgetting you,
The Psychotic T-Shirt Avenger

P.S: I want my Levis back. For crying out loud, this is not The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants.

I should never have stopped dreaming

2010-06-06T00:20:00.010+08:00

"When you want something, the whole universe conspires in helping you to achieve it"
- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

A few days ago, I was rummaging through the bookshelves of Borders, when I came across a title that vigilantly caught my attention. Naturally, curiosity triggered somewhat of a fight-or-flight response with my fingers groping that particular book. The Alchemist.

With the disdain rhythm of the rain droplets outside the bookstore, I chose a lonely seat with limited distraction and got myself deliriously engaged in the first fiction I've read after months of my course books.

Destined, The Alchemist was a deliberate eye-opener. The perfect inspiration for a perfectly demoralized soul like myself. A term I often came across in this book was "Personal Legend", a dream every child realizes after a certain age. As interpreted, Personal Legend is very much like a purpose of life.
I believe that your ambition as a child corresponds directly to where your passion lies.

Somehow or rather, I realized what my Personal Legend really was, is and will be. The only thing that makes a difference to it are the choices I make. What I do realize is that, I will somehow strive my way towards the dream I had as a child, because I may have claimed that I grew out of it - but that's the mistake we often do. When you're older and wiser as you thought you ought to be, you inconveniently forget the things that you wanted to do as a kid.

A kid's foolish dream, you might say.

Think again.
Have you ever noticed that children - as oblivious as they seem to be, they are also scrupulously determined in getting what they want?

Because their dreams haven't faded. Yet.

My friend walked from the magazine section, with a silent cough to announce his arrival at my quite corner. My overflowing thoughts and imagination stopped. I glanced up at him, feeling interrupted. This young person tapped his watch gently, indicating that our movie is showing in the next five minutes. Reluctantly I left, with a little sense of eagerness to complete that book two hours later, and to pursue my own silly childhood dream in years to come.

I nailed my faith to the sticking pole

2010-06-04T00:42:00.007+08:00

As much as you try to dodge darting bullets of traumatic experiences, these particular experiences have always been the core of your fear. It's inevitable, you tend to shudder out of discomfort, having those nasty images of what you fear recording repetitively in the back of your mind.

I for one, have developed a fear of getting too emotionally attached with anyone. Either friends, close friends, or a bit more than that, or completely more than that - yes I try not to get too driven away with my emotions.
I for one, loathe getting disappointed with how oaths of "I will be there for you forever" turn into clean-cut simplified version of the original oath of "I will be there for you when I see you".

This has become quite a traumatic experience of how friends can turn into strangers overnight.

I've got trust issues, and this is one of the reasons why.

At one point in my life, you were an important person to me.
That's the only thing that matters now.

Lost in thought

2010-05-28T16:06:00.006+08:00

Have you ever experienced a moment where your thoughts dissolve in your own world? When everything around you seems blur, when voices seem like ruptured insignificance, and when visions seem like untempered portraits; unworthy of your notice? When an object of little meaning seems even more important than any other?

Like how just a look at a cup of coffee makes my thoughts wonder in a network of memories, with painted pictures of daddy-and-daughter sessions in coffee shops? How everything in the world seems nothing compared to just that cup, because it reminds me so much about my dad who I haven't seen for two weeks?
Like how a sincere smile by a person so dear makes my life seem like a breezy walk in the park? That sincere smile make my problems seem so minute - like pebbles coyly sneak into my slippers - and I just have to shake my slippers a bit so I can flick those nasty rascals off?

Little things in life shouldn't be taken for granted, because every little thing you observe has a lasting impression of reminiscence, of nostalgia.

I could always bake my own cookie

2010-05-22T15:59:00.007+08:00

The authorities, as you know it - have nothing else better to do than piss the commoners off. I've known this time and time again, that they have this power trip at the back of their heads, making them have that gear to go on a bullying rampage. I guess it's fun, you know. It's a pleasure to be the big guy in a community, shooting lightning bolts at anyone who strays out of the boring zone with preposterous laws.

Then there are those law-abiding commoners who refer to the big guy's law, just so that they will be on the safe side of the boring zone, being extremely careful not to step out of the boundary line. They have no free-will, they don't stand on their feet to say no, they just donkey-ed their way through safety.

We need rebels for every community with the power-frenzied big guy. I'm not trying to screw politics over here, but it's a matter of sustaining a well-balanced society that do not train the people to be robots suffering from brain seizures because of their perfectly-programmed brain cells.

Think about it.
Even that big guy is human, he make mistakes too. Power is a lethal possession. Not everyone is strong enough to manage it within their control.

On Tuesday evening, I received a text from the Accommodation Management that my housemate and I got relocated and we had to leave the next morning. Without an official letter, or personally see us, they just kick us around because they have the power to do so. They sent a van (yup, like we're flipping criminals) to collect our stuff which we spent the whole night packing.

It's simply an irrational eye-rolling act of Who's the Boss?

Fortunately the new apartment was not that bad. It's convenient in a way that I can have more sleep and wake up even later to go to college. The most frustrating thing, however is that we got relocated right this moment instead of months ago when we are not having exams on the next day. Pfft.

You know, if I was still a schizophrenic bitch, I would have given those idiots a tight slap for putting me into so much trouble.

You could simply say that I was the one who looked for trouble, but I beg to differ. Apparently, I don't obey rules that don't make sense and I demand a logical explanation.

For the safety of the residents?
Ha ha. Bullshit.

spitting image

2010-05-14T02:06:00.003+08:00

Nerdgasm is not an orgasm for nerds, it's more like a disease.

I sleep three hours a day, but I try to take as many breaks that I need.
However, for the past few weeks, I have little concern for my breaks, let alone my health. All I want to do is get my work done.

Overworking has finally taken a toll on me.

After completing my Chemistry trials, I went for lunch, got some information from Monash, and went to my friend's apartment along with my usual lunch break buddies. I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up with a massive headache.

Too massive that on the way to the lift, I leaned on the wall and slowly dropped on the floor out of nausea and fatigue.
Breathing rapidly, I found myself in a situation where voices and visions started to fade - and I blacked out.

Hazwan was kind enough to carry me all the way to the car, and Asha was sweet enough to feed me sandwiches and bought me 100 plus from 7E. I felt better afterwards, but still a bit fatigued.

They say that it's best to push yourselves to the limit, I second that notion.
The limit is subjective, it varies from one person to another. For me, I know that I am a sinner for working under stress. Stress keeps me fueled up with the energy to keep me going on and on - and sometimes I just don't know where to stop unless I drop.

Two nights ago, I just took an hour of sleep. Ashmit and Asha were really concerned of my compulsiveness that they made a pact to lock me up in the room, with Ashmit keeping me as a hostage in bed and Asha studying in the hall while guarding the room door.

I discovered my compulsive-nerdgasmic attribute when I was ten. After my failure to skip a year ahead because I was not good enough for PTS, I got pretty much worked out to replace my failure with some kind of success. When I got first in class, my dad motivated me even more with a Seiko watch which I've been using until now. My compulsiveness grew with the motivation. I hit a rather chronic stage when I was in my teen years and I realized that my severity in compulsiveness came with this stress cycle which it goes through a phase - the tendency to go beyond my energy capacity. Chronologically, I turned insane, I gave up hope for a while, and I overworked until I fainted like today.

Words of advise - If you realize what you are capable of, push yourself to the limit. But keep in mind, know where your limits lie, you don't want to end up like me.

I couldn't resist the temptation because I had that urge to scratch the itch of that particular limit. I take risks despite the knowledge of the consequences. I try to balance everything out but I always end up doing everything to the extreme.

I'm a spitting image of my dad's personality traits. It scares me now knowing how much I reflect him as I grow older.

breathe

2010-05-09T19:33:00.007+08:00

Credits to Suzanne Mathia, photographer.

Havasu Creek Waterfall

Once when all this is over, I'll pack my bags and go on a trip to serenity.

It may be worthwhile, but I know that it's worth it.

I am a Visionary

2010-05-08T16:45:00.005+08:00

I can't believe that my days in MUFY are numbered.

In accordance to my reluctant pursuit in taking Mathematics next semester because I can graduate right after this month, let alone I could have graduated last year itself if I was still in Inti; honestly, in the core of my heart, I am actually very reluctant to graduate as well. Conflict of interest.

Truth is, I'm going to miss all this.

I'm going to miss the people I know throughout my course - the familiar lit-up smiles, the warm hugs, the class clowns and the know-it-alls, I am starting to miss it even when it's not the end yet.

I am still indecisive on what to do for degree. I am passionate in a lot of things, and that's stopping me in making a choice. If I have all the money in the world, I would go great lengths just grasping everything I have always been passionate about. Sucks, you know. How we need remuneration to do just about anything.

Ah.

After studying for a couple of hours in the library with a friend of mine, we had supper nearby our college. He told me something very enlightening about how he took science in A Levels, got 3As and a B, and yet he ended up taking up a different Pre-University. His reason? He didn't know what to do and when I asked what he see himself doing ten years from now, he shrugged.

That's the problem.

You can have so much passion for so many things, everything seems interesting and slowly it eats you up like a parasite, and eventually you get bored with everything you thought you were interested in. You somehow find yourself jumping from one course to another, still unsure of what to do, and it turns into a devastating cycle of uncertainty.

I need to know what to do because I am done procrastinating.

apparently

2010-05-01T21:35:00.002+08:00

I went to Hazwan's place in Ampang with the rest of my lunch mates, and after a nice meal of Domino's, a few pages of Darwinism, a few scenes of The Nanny, and a few hums along with Aliff guitar-ing, I fell asleep on the couch.

I woke up with the old man saying, "Sorry dear, but you can't hibernate here for tonight".

Heck yeah, I do that. Hibernating. I have very limited amount of sleep during weekdays, and I die every Friday - waking up fifteen hours later.

Unfortunately, I feel pretty much drained out of energy because I overused my working capacity that it's not efficient anymore. I died on Thursday night instead of the usual Friday funeral, and I revived in the midst of collected dust.
Literally.. dust.

Apparently my friends who used to stay in my place for a month, dropped by to take back all her stuff.
Apparently all the dust went peek-a-boo alongside with the stuff.
Apparently Asha was in the apartment afterall, on the couch with her pink dress.
Apparently I was too tired to even remember that I opened the door and went back to bed.
Apparently I was too exhausted to keep my eyes awake for a phone call by Faisal.
Apparently I got twelve miss-calls from him and I was too dead to realize.

and

Apparently I conveniently woke up to a phone call by a person who I never thought who would actually take the trouble of taking me out to McD at 3am in the morning to accompany me rivising Chemistry.

The most random events make the best moments in life.

Don't promise me such things, it's just too cute :)

I'm a nerd but I'm still cooler than you are, you douchebag

2010-04-30T06:44:00.006+08:00

Back then when I was still going through an identity crisis, I was ashamed of who I was.
Surely it happens to a lot of us. Feeling ashamed, insecure, and insignificant. You try different things to see whether it actually suits you, experimentation of life as you know it, and in the end you find it either stupid, or feeling a bit of "hey, this shit works with me, man".

My decision making was not exactly wise, it was severely cloudy, and not to say that I am currently an experienced prowess in decision making, but at least I am more capable of prioritizing my needs, and put aside my wants on hold because those things can wait.

So basically when I reflect the past, reminiscing both the good and bad of my classic moments, I snicker. I tried denying the fact that I was not a nerd, so I purposely flunked my Chemistry in highschool. It was a dumb decision, but we do shit stuff to actually prove a point. A schoolmate of mine talked me on the phone, saying, "Nina, you don't have to do anything to prove anything".

She was right. You don't have to do shit to prove shit. That was just a micropixel of my unwise decision making as compared to the megapixel of my idiocracy.

Experimentation of life.

Somehow or rather, you need to have a good dose of risk-taking-choices to actually realize how dumb and irrational you are, to be a smart and rational person.
Reverse psychology? Equilibrium of realization? You name it.

Some things you can't learn just from books, lectures and tutorials.
Some things you learn from bad experience.

You need to hit your head on the wall to feel the pain, and from there you'll get motivated to numb the pain, and you learn.
You need to get a tight slap on the face to realize that you're just a normal person with flaws afterall.

There's no such thing like a perfect person with a perfect life in the perfect world.

Perfect.
What does it even mean?

IMHO, how you see yourself in the future, that's what you ought to get motivated towards perfectionism.

Hi everyone, I'm Nina, and I am a nerd, and I still am, I was a nerd in denial, and I have to say that I've upgraded myself into a proud nerd.

it's not a mantra

2010-04-17T21:41:00.005+08:00

"And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown
So I lit a fire, isn't it good Norwegian wood."
-The Beatles, Norwegian Wood

I've been listening to Norwegian Wood by Beatles repetitively for the past few days, and then I got a shocker that the Norwegians stopped doing their traditional dances because of

Eyjafjallajokull.

This phonetically mouthful term is not a tribal mantra, but rather - a volcano in Iceland. Eyjafjallajokull just erupted three days ago for the second time this year after a century of welled-up fury.

Of course, such a catastrophic disaster comes with such revelation of superstitions and whatnot. Science and beliefs intertwine, upsetting the society in confusion, alongside with mass riots and aggressive radicalism.

If Nostradamus was still alive, he would say, "I told you so!"

That's the beauty of being philosophers. They have vast superior knowledge that most of us can never comprehend, and they use that as an advantage to create such convincing theories that could last for centuries. There is no doubt that such beautiful scriptures of philosophical and apocalyptic prophecies are meant to be gaped in awe, and that's what a lot of us are doing right now. Gaping in awe.

Because we never came up with such an idea which could somehow get freakishly accurate.

I'm a sinner for watching 2012, Knowing and The Day after Tomorrow.
Face it people, we love the idea of watching the world which has caused so much pain to so many people to just, fall apart.
Such a sadistic sinful pleasure of watching the face of our earth crumbling into ashes and dust.

We're a sick bunch of people with labels on to specialize in our abnormalities.

Politicians, Humanitarians, Environmentalists, Commoners.

Sometimes it revolts me; how the world works.

people-watching is twice as fun with Mr. Imagination

2010-04-15T15:50:00.004+08:00

Do you like people-watching?

Sometimes when there are no birds soaring in the sky to jaw-drop at, no trickles of rain to wipe off and no sun-rays to squint at, you are just left with your own species - human beings.

Tell you what, people-watching is a good way to challenge your mind when you're left with nothing else. The old folks say that it's rude to stare, but I can't help it if my little buddy called Mr. Imagination jives and pounces around that staring object, giving me no space to stare at anything else.

Apologies for my unfiltered strangeness, but true that - Mr. Imagination can sometimes be a bit too much of a bothersome puny little brat for me to handle. On top of that, I truly loath to take the time to leash him up and feed him raw biscuits as a punishment.

I don't know about you, but I create my own fantasies in my own world, and actually have a lot of fun doing so. A lot of people think that I am absent-minded (or in Malaysian way, they call me blur), but honestly, those moments of my absent-mindedness is filled with the mischievously unleashed Mr. Imagination playing mind tricks with me.

From the core of my heart, I never had the intention to imagine Asha as the fidgety female version of Klausner in The Sound Machine, or maybe Kayla as a little witch on a broomstick with bedazzled headphones on listening to Avenged Sevenfold, or Arshad as a corrupted military man who had too much beer to drink, or Ashraf whom I just met two nights ago as a hippy hobo who drives a satellite-attached van who smoked too much pot.

None of such intentions to make up such imaginations but they breeze through unannounced.
Gotta admit, I made these guys into pretty cool characters, yeah? ;D

I'm Nina, and I've always been a bit sick in the head.

I've always been a dreamer

2010-04-15T11:25:00.003+08:00

.
Thanks Wawa love, I needed this trip.

Ain't no sunshine

2010-04-07T02:30:00.006+08:00

I am certainly not an angel - I don't conform to the usual standards and expectations deem worthy of such a polished citizen, student and daughter. I was a studious person - and I still am; despite every strike of judgmental credential I have perceived ever since my "blunt stunt" three years ago.

It may seem like I was making a statement after a tiresome observation of irrelevance and corruption, but it was basically a tremendous heave of sigh out of frustration, a grunt of dissatisfaction towards irrationality, immorality and inhumanity.

I chose that path.
I chose the path of sharp edges and puddles of mud.
I chose to be labeled as the nerd who had gone mad.

I was privileged to have a choice, and yet I still chose to learn the hard way. It was three years ago and it gave a huge impact on my life until today. I won't deny that it was regrettable for me to see how many sacrifices and damage I have done just because of that "blunt stunt" but it was not a regrettable experience to go through an entire year of darkness to have my eyes burn with sensation - the light of realization of how fortunate and lucky I was. I was too overwhelmed that I was ungrateful, and I redeemed myself for an entire year of silence.

It was too much of a disappearance and a clean start that I was actually blindly awarded with something I knew that I would never be apart with, something that I would effortlessly odd myself out. As always.

Somehow or rather, I chose that path of sharp edges and puddles of mud yet again. I chose to tiptoe over the puddles when I could have just avoided it altogether. It was my own responsibility and I actually foresee the consequences of such a poised ballet-like performance in tiptoeing. What I did not foresee was that I could have my face flat on the mud, unwary of the mess I have made.

It is such a snort-worthy mess when what you think is humane seems stupid for a law-abiding citizen, and how the risk you take for humanity ticks your own humanity. The paradox is intriguingly disgusting. This overly-exaggerated situation is frustrating enough for me to truly resent the system of thought entirely.

Why of course, what is right or wrong is a grey matter. I am not an angel. Neither am I a humanitarian.

Shutting the door in the face of a distressed person?
What would you do if you're in my place?

Give me a break.

the bitch who snitched

2010-04-03T15:40:00.006+08:00

Dear snitching bitch,

I tried respecting your dire needs, but after learning of your lame excuses and irrelevant arguments, I believe that you neither deserve my respect nor my sympathy.

Yes, one of my friends went overboard - pasting a hate letter on your door and fueled up your anger, but none of us thought it was a good idea.
But let's face it, you are disgusting.

I have to admit that we are a pretty loud bunch, with Amplifier Ashmit running about and the Haunting Asha of Connecticut pulling stunts every now and then; but after learning of your dissatisfaction, we tried to respect your privacy, so we took measures.

Wrong move, darling.

Your excuse of having Mr. Swift to watch over them?
Even more disgusting.
It should be the other way around, remember? Track back the past carefully, sweetie. Even back then, my respect for you was at the verge of breaking lose.

I could snitch you out anytime sweetheart, but you know what?
If I do that, we'd be in the same level.

Not even close.

Warm and fuzzy kisses,
Your daily hair-stuck-in-the-drain collector

overload

2010-03-28T10:02:00.006+08:00

I knew that eventually - overworking would tweak my brain capacity, resulting in fatigue, and surprise surprise: fever, sore throat and a happy runny nose.

On Friday morning, I was about to go to college before I suddenly decided to sleep in until two hours before my Biology topic test. Half an hour before my test, I managed to squeeze my way through the clinic to get some medication and a half-day MC and precariously took a seat in the Biology lab as a latecomer who left early.

There must be a catastrophe for every test I am bound to take. It's inevitable.

Right after I finished my test, I jumped back to bed in my room and slept for hours. When I was deep in sleep, Meekayla softly tapped me on my shoulders, with Ashmit's silly-slash-annoying blob of head peeked through my bedroom door. Oh yes, with that irritating blob protruding towards my direction - did I wake up in a jiffy with zero hesitation. With my eyes open, an instant inhalation of curry-like-sardine-soup scent from the kitchen miraculously moved my legs inches closer to the bowl of fish soup. I finished dinner, took my medicines, and felt very loved, warm and fuzzy in the arms of my loving housemates.
Ngawww.

I have to admit that I am a bit burnt out with all this so-called-efficient-use-of-brain-activity : coffee to maximize working yield + sleep shortage + work surplus but don't bother, I am a bit excited (mind the sarcasm) that I have geared up my working engine once again. Yay!!

Sadistic humour is hysterical. Hands down, baby, hands down.

Shit I need sleep.

in every playground there's a loner.

2010-03-20T15:36:00.009+08:00

In a playground with children jumping about, fussing over occasional fights, I would be the child in pigtails, sitting at the corner of a tree, reading, swinging on the swing with a frown, or maybe sitting on a see-saw with nobody at the opposite end.

The loner.

It's funny how stereotyping was instilled in us since we were really young.

When I worked for two months in a tuition centre, I observed all these different types of children. The bad boy, the bimbo-soon-to-be, the flirt-flying-solo, the over-achiever/all-rounder and of course - the loner. There was this girl who reminded so much about myself. Reserved, aloof, and shy; everyone else just backed off from her. When the mother came to pick her up, she left with the biggest smile.

It could be just a case of social development, but as far as I am concerned - I rather do things on my own most of the time.
You've seen it, now haven't you?

I've told this to Asha many times, "I hate it when people waste my time".
Harsh, a bit abrupt and verbally brutal in a nutshell, I have to admit that it's my ultimate pet peeve ever since my mum decided to home-school me in terms of kindergarten. Wasting your own time is acceptable because it's your own problem, but disrespecting other people's time constraint is very annoying.
So after a while, I've adapted myself to do most college affairs by myself.
I despise incompetency. I screwed up last year because I was too lenient - in the end I got a sore throat in my butt.

This is why I fell in deep friendship love with Meekayla. She's strict and highly responsible, she reminds me of me when I was in Inti.
Hell, we even crossed paths in Nilai and we just found out two months back. The world works in wonders.

I was the quiet emo kid who was part of the minority.

I made conspiracies that the grass was green because the rain and the sun were separated soul-mates, and the golden tears of the sun and the tears of the rain formed a greenish offspring which colored the grass green.
My best friend was my cat, Noah. (crazy cat lady possibility)
My best guy buddy I had was my dad. (I wrote him stories and letters every day)
I hated crumpled papers in books, and once, I wrote the entire book again just because two pages of it were crumpled.

I thought things were better in high school, but nah.

I've got to say that I never really liked high school and the only thing I treasure from high school are my friends who managed to crack the secret code in my head.
College life is a lot better in certain ways. No one gives much of a damn about who or what you were.

Even though I was daddy's little girl and my only truest BFF was Noah who spoke to me in telepathy, I was content that way, too.

Because in every playground, there's a loner.
I am the loner.

It was the sweetest Uzbekistan Drama

2010-03-19T04:48:00.002+08:00

The thing about me is that, I don't get teary for most sad situations, I guess being all droopy over a misfortune gets you no where, but when I witness something incredibly sweet I couldn't help myself but tears will dwell up, the ngawww factor.

It was just like any other day in college, the usual routine - breakfast with Asha under the shady trees near the side gate, grand entrance of coming late to the Globalization class, lunch in Rock Cafe and the obligation of getting updated about the latest college drama.

When I bumped into my Uzbekistan friend by the side gate, lighting up a fag all by himself with no company, I was confused. He never came to my college before, and not to mention - completely lonely.
Little did I know, when I returned to my apartment, a huge drama triggered between the Uzbek cutie and one of my closest friends.

It was such a heart-wrecking separation and she looked miserably haggard, but unlike Ashmit - I did not cry.
I was reminded over and over that I'm cold hearted and the situation clarified my lack of empathy.

But oh dear, did I tear up when I watch them make up. The girl ran after the guy in public, and the sweetest couple reunited with the most romantic embrace I have ever seen with my own eyes.
I honestly teared, even if it was just a little bit.

I'm not that cold hearted after all.
I rather cry happy tears.

Five minutes later,
after such a long public display of affection, we yelled out, "Find a room la weiiii!"

slowing down

2010-03-16T10:32:00.004+08:00

I haven't updated a proper blog post in a while now.

Last year was that phase when everything happened too fast at once. It was that year when I've catched up with so many things I've missed in the past. It was a roller coaster ride, it was dramatic.

This year I've settled down.
I've curled back into my comfort zone because I was tired with all the enthusiasm of breaking out from my inner shell, and so I have given up a lot of things I was curious about, and I've turned back into the person that I was before.

Let's just say that so far until this month - March, I've achieved most of my 2010 resolution. That's 3 months of discipline, no?

~~Don't get attached.~~
Progress: No hardcore mushy feeling on anyone. (It sucks at times, though)
~~Don't procrastinate. Be more efficient.~~
Progress: All work done before date due.
~~Don't be in denial. Accept the consequences of every choice made.~~
Progress: I've learn my lesson from most of the shit I did.
~~Get myself organized, especially my college notes~~
Progress: I use folders and files instead as books as folders. ...
~~Get back that SPM nerdgasm~~
Progress: Kinda. Not as wet and hard like before (har har)
~~Quit skipping classes~~
Progress: Not 100% Quitting. But less class truancy. Miss Uma got upset yesterday. She said, "Your germs really should introduce themselves to me one day, you know!" (urm, sorry. coming late or completely ditch first classes is turning into a tradition.
~~Stay low under the radar (at least in Casa)~~
Progress: Of course. No Mr. T or army guy going bonkers and tampons over the little things I did.
~~Stop putting high expectations on people I can't rely on~~
Progress: Incompetent people have been removed.
~~Be financially brilliant~~
Progress: I have a piggy bank which I've saved about 50 bucks so far. Thanks Wawa!
Don't cause an accident
Progress: Kaiser got into an accident and he turned his car into a McD theme. Not my fault though.... think so.
Take care of my health - ~~good diet~~ and sufficient sleep
Progress: I didn't skip any meals or breakfast - but resistance towards nocturnal tendency is futile.
~~Appreciate those worth appreciating~~
Progress: Absolutely. Friends I hang out with now are more concerned about each others' well-being than their own eyebrows.
~~Be more care-free and flexible~~
~~Be a better person in a whole~~

a very dirty sitcom

2010-03-14T00:56:00.003+08:00

I've always known that it's hard to have hang out groupie that sticks for a very long time ahead. As far as I am concerned, I am really comfortable with this bunch of people, and I don't mind spending hours just talking nonsense with them on a laid out pink mattress.

Everyday is a very dirty sitcom, like my sister said.

I am going to have a very hard time leaving this place when the time comes.

P.S - I miss Wawa hotstuff.

reincarnation

2010-03-06T19:57:00.004+08:00

This is what I've been up to lately.

Yes, believe it.

Reincarnation of the nerdy Nina.

Spread the love! :D

the fast lane

2010-03-01T18:13:00.008+08:00

You know the little devil called Instincts instilled in each and every one of us? That little devil is real nasty.

At times, you have that feeling in your gut when you know something is bound to happen one way or another, but you still go on with it. Some people call it unreasonable, but some find it daring.
It's funny how the situation is similar and repetitive - and yet we never learn. Disgustingly optimistic, we see the best in every risk we take. True that, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Our elders always remind us to play on the safe side of the road, but hell no - we get driven away on the fast lane.

The smell of danger?
Definitely intoxicating.

Eventually you'll find yourself slow down and swerve to the side of the lane. Every "good" thing you do has to come at end. What is good and what is bad? You decide.

Cuz you know what baby, the only person who can judge your life is yourself - and no one else.

It's a never-ending connection tree chart

2010-02-21T17:31:00.009+08:00

So maybe the holidays did not end as gracefully as I ought it to be - a bit of a haywire towards the end if you've noticed, but I have to say it was eventful and I've worn myself from all the drama that now I can have a better focus for my studies. (weird, right?)

Thevanesh always thought that it's weird that I bring my notes all over the place - even when people are gossiping - I still want to tag along and listen - with my notes. Fine, sometimes it didn't work - when there are too many problems and bringing those notes just function to get rid of the guilt of not studying, but still - most of the time it did work.
Let's just say I've trained myself to study when my parents were actively discussing about politics.

Hectic environment studying experiences which were surprisingly successful:

Studying Economics in freaking Asia Cafe - during a freaking football match last year.
Those days in Inti - studying at common hall and As-Sallam - where everything happens in Nilai
Chemistry work in Star Cafe, with shisha to relieve me from stressing on Thermochemistry
In an apartment full of Arab guys and two Punjab girls - I had a last-minute studying on the carpet. On my left, the guys were speaking loudly in Arabic, and on the right the girls were speaking Punjab at a very fast-rate. Two different languages at the same time! Darn, the situation was priceless, it should have been recorded.
Biology studying session with Wawa during highschool - with Wawa's topless brother in boxers walking down the stairs...... (it was pretty hectic, okay, Wawa!)

I guess I've developed quite a skill, no?

Anyhow, the whole week of break was fully stretched and I didn't exactly have the rest that I thought I would be having. It was completely utilized.

Started off with a trip to Malacca with Kayla, Tv and Ashmit
Girls' night in with Ashmit and Kayla during Valentines Day - watching Kate & Leopold, but then Kodir butted in afterwards despite his claim that he hated chick flicks and most of my movies are boring because they are romantic movies.
Family day on Sunday at home + recuperating from the sleepless night in Malacca
Breakfast with the family on Monday. Failed attempt to unite with Wawa. Failed attempt to watch Valentines Day. Ended up playing pool with Hafriz, Zaki and Sham
Assignment day on Tuesday. 40% efficient.
Edora's birthday eve :) Such a pretty birthday girl.
Breakfast with Areef & friends. Surprised Wawa at Shah Alam, just on time for her last debate round on that day and watched her win the round. You go girl! Spent time with Wawa at night with her debate team.
Edora's sister's wedding. Failed attempt of shopping with Tvanesh but ever-successful gossiping session. Dinner with Hafriz and his role models + Thevanesh. Reminisce school tales with Thevanesh and raided the kitchen for maggi, and drew a connection tree chart with him out of boredom until 3 a.m.

So sure, there are problems in between those lines, most are solved - and yet one is still unsolved.

But hey, you know - a dish won't be spicy without a little pepper.

I am not Edie Britt

2010-02-21T13:50:00.015+08:00

"I've gone through hell. I don't mind going through it again"
- Nina Azrah

Dear Depressed,

I never had the intention to piss you off. The three of us hung out together without you because you were not in town. You were back at your hometown, so there's no point asking anyway. Your assumption of my attempt to chase after your ex-boyfriend is completely irrelevant because I am living my single life, enjoying every bit of my life being single-completely-single-without-any-flings-attached.

It's completely unnecessary for you to delete any of us on facebook.
There is no need for you to delete me and block me; add me back, cancel the pending friend request, and block me again.
It's very. Urm. Myspace era-ish.

I don't understand why would you put the blame on someone else, or everyone else in that matter when it's just the matter between you and me.

You did forbid me for contacting your ex-lover in any form. No texts, calls and especially no hang-outs.
Why is it wrong to hang out with him as friends? I wasn't sneaking around - if I were to sneak around, I wouldn't call any of them. *headdesk*
I get the girl-friend code, I seriously do. But IMHO, I don't think hanging out with him as part of a group is a bend of the girl-friend code.

Let me get this straight. You are my friend (or were, it's your call), and he is also my friend who happens to be your ex-lover. You guys are in good terms, at least that's what I thought. That's what he thought, too. Now you're accusing me of laying a finger on your ex? Sigh. I am not interested in consuming your leftovers, sweetie. I am not Edie Britt. No.

Come on, do you honestly think I would discriminate a person just because you told me so? I don't live up to your rules. You're my friend, not my mother - not my sister - and I'm tired of compromising. Besides, you and him are history - can't you just appreciate what you have now?

Now you refuse to discuss about it? Delete me in every social networking utility available? Publicize your dissatisfaction (without maintaining my anonymity, showing how disrespectful of you towards me), accusing me of being ungrateful when I was just defending myself over here? You go around telling people about my past, and now you're threatening to make me fall?

The reason none of us called you up after wards is that
- you clearly showed the entire theater group that you were resentful towards me. I've got pride, and you know that. I don't lick anybody's toes for forgiveness unless I know that I'm the one in the wrong.
- you called another person a "dagger in a basket of grapes" (direct translation, fyi), and I'm pretty darn sure he got enough pride as well who wouldn't succumb to toe-licking.

Seriously, I don't get you. Get a grip and talk to me. Stop rampaging here and there. It's not pretty.

Love,
Your confused friend.

little heroes and reluctant heroes

2010-02-20T03:49:00.007+08:00

"Forget what you feel, remember what you deserve" - Hafriz Khairani

Little Hafriz taught me a valuable lesson today.

After accidentally abandoning him, he texted me the above quote. I was too preoccupied thinking of the irony of how a team of party animals won the debate of banning alcohol and cigarattes - that what he texted did not get through my head at all.

Little did I know, that angry yet calm statement turned into a curse which I had to deal with afterwards.

The sixteen-year-old loves flying solo; doing things seemingly independent which turned out to be downright silly.
Today, he took the train to a busy city expecting his friends to be there but they bailed out the last minute.
Yup, what a hero.

So this Little Hero wanted to go back to town, and so he took the train back to town, and called me up to pick me up at our town's train station.

Beware and behold of the predicament bound to tweak our emotions - the train to town was faulty, and so he got stuck in the middle of an unknown territory (at least to my unreliable bearings).

Little Hero turned into a little Male-version-damsel of Distress, hoping for a hero himself - which in this case I was supposed to be the hero. Unfortunately, I was nowhere near the unknown territory, I was about to watch my best friend debate in a university. And to top it up, I was not even driving and the person driving was rushing off to somewhere else.
I called up a friend of ours to pick up the little Male-version-damsel of Distress, but somehow he found another hero - a friend around there to send him back to town safely.
What a survivor.

The now turned Little Survivor found his way to his favourite hang-out spot, and the problems of miscommunication and vague information magnify.

Vague information: Apparently the hero of the little survivor simply dropped him off, and he rushed off someplace else.
Miscommunication: I wasn't clarified that the hero of the little survivor was just dropping him off and not accompanying him while I was away, watching a debate.
Problem: I unintentionally neglected him.
Solution: I love you.

After the debate, I went to Wawa's team-mate's house - chill with her for a little while because I haven't done so for a long time. (Btw, You did great up there, Wawa =D)

The curse of Little Hafriz ate me up when I expected a ride from my sister.

Vague information: My sister wasn't driving.
Miscommunication: I thought she's driving.
Problem: I'm going to be home a bit late.
Solution: Called up a saviour who just settled a gang fight because of a shampoo drama to pick me up.
Problems arising from the supposed-to-be-solution:
#1 Mama got upset due to the change of plans
#2 Kakak got upset due to the upset mum
#3 I got upset due to the upset people of the day
Solution: Just a bit of screaming, tantruming, angry slam of the slide door - and it's all good.

It's Deja Vu.
Just a difference of characters - biological sister and non-biological brother.

So you see, sometimes karma whack you in the head faster than expected.

Oh, and being the elder and more matured one can be pretty difficult afterall.

Argument 1 - The older one gets more privilege in terms of freedom
Rebuttal - The older one is not exactly at liberty because they are still chained down with responsibilites towards the younger ones, crossing out the freedom privilege

Argument 2 - The younger/youngest gets more privilege in getting away from problems
Rebuttal - The younger/youngest is often too overprotected that they are not trusted in dealing most problems, crossing out the problem-escapade privilege

(FYI, I learn a lot from the debate)

Even though you guys ruined my day at one point, everything fell back in place and I'm relieved that nothing dwelled on.

Love you, Kakak & Hafriz. :)

Do you have NPD?

2010-02-18T11:53:00.002+08:00

"Psychologists are fascinated by narcissists, both why we like them despite on some level recognizing their dysfunction, and because they embody so many paradoxes. Extreme narcissists inevitably reveal their true nature to those around them and are soon rejected. So why don’t we (and the narcissists) learn?"
-PsyBlog

The above quote is an eye-opener for me this morning.

I've always thought that I have slight narcissistic traits, but soon to realize that I am merely vain - and I do not portray the paradoxes of narcissism. A friend of mine said, "You're pretty, but you don't act like one. Get it?"
Which results in a relieved sigh for a few seconds.

According to PsyBlog, narcissists often devalue others despite their dependency on their own admiration. That's the main paradox I am directing towards someone I've been avoiding ever since my resignation of the "service".

Undoubtedly, pride is my sin, but thankfully enough I don't feed on the humiliation of others to make me feel higher off the ground. Seems to me, narcissists are insecure little devils.
Another trait portrayed by these little devils a.k.a narcissists is that they see the world as theirs and theirs only, they are the dominant ones - with other people as minor characters whose purpose is only to "serve" them. A simpler way to put it is that they think that the world revolves around them.
I snort everytime this particular person pulls off one of her stunts in demoralizing and devaluing me with her accusations of my unintentional attemps to piss her off. Ain't my fault that you're so pissable, honey.

Question: Why do we all eventually run off from the dominant monsters a.k.a little devils a.k.a narcissists?
Answer: Because they are a pain in the ass.

Interesting article. Go check it out.
Click.

inhaling the cool breeze of dusk

2010-02-14T18:30:00.013+08:00

"If you want a rainbow you've gotta put up with a little rain"
- Dolly Parton

Recently, whenever I get invited to places swarmed by people I know with the trendiest clothes and loud music, I turn them down.
Call me boring, but I'm definitely through with that Subang drama phase that I have higher preference for quiet chilling places: places that a tight-knit community can sit down and talk - and to think.

Two weeks ago, after getting worn out with the noise from the group of people sitting at the table in front of us in Picadilly's, I ended up in Port Dickson - watching sunrise - even though the sunrise was on the other side of the ocean. Pardon our screwed up internal compass.

Last week I turned down a chill-out session with the Subang Scene kids and ended up hanging out at Crocodile Farm in the middle of the night. That was after completing my Globalization assignment. As someone put it, when the scandal of your ex-boyfriend was breathing liquor, told you that she loves you and yet she tried to tongue you after that (horrendous sight, fyi), you have every reason to go to a crocodile farm and lose your composure with the crocodiles. Yuck.

During the weekend, I turned down another another Subang Scene-kid chill-out session and randomly ended up in Malacca early in the morning - watching sunrise across Malacca river, with our legs hanging lose above the river, inhaling the cool breeze of dusk. This time, our internal compass actually functioned perfectly. My shades conveniently went MIA when I needed it the most.

I went to all these trips with the same community, and I'm definitely happy that I found them.
Totally random, non-superficial, laid-back and carefree. You guys know who you are, and I know I can count on you guys when I suddenly decided to go on a road trip to Thailand one day.

Funny how we had to go through all these obstacles and still made it work anyhow. :)

They spilled drinks on my chemistry books

2010-02-06T12:30:00.005+08:00

At one point in life, you'll eventually get bored with all the hype and the shiny pretty things that life could offer. You could go great lengths exploring and discovering yourself but you soon realize that if you're that deep thinker who appreciates being by yourself: looking across the horizon with hope that you could make a difference to the world - that's who you are and who you are supposed to be.

I've changed a lot. Yes.
I'm a different person. No.

Recap:
I don't bite, but when I do - I bite hard.

In general, I am pretty much a very calm and patient person. There are people who just snap when they are not satisfied with something. They become vulgar and unusually cruel.

I have very high tolerance for most things, and I suppose that's why there are some people who monstrously trample all over my tolerance level with very low respect. It happened before few years back, and as far as I can remember - it was quite chaotic.

Because once you cross the line, I write an epilogue.

daddy's little princess

2010-01-31T16:21:00.006+08:00

Six years ago, a little girl of the age thirteen would be in Coffee Bean with her father, while the mother would be shopping with the elder sister. The little girl would ask the father to buy her the thick chocolate milkshake which she could never manage to finish, and an enormous chocolate chip cookie which was enough to feed her for the whole day.
She would do her homework and revision there and then, while the father would be busy with his laptop on the coffee table; occasionally wrinkling his temples when there was too much to worry about his job and the girl would do the same - when there was a bit too much to memorize about Ancient Civilization in History Form One.

It became a routine, somehow.
The elder sister would frolic around the mall with the mother - shopping for shoes and clothes and accessories, and after they were done they would chuck all the paper bags on an empty seat and joined the little girl and the father for drinks.
The little girl and the father would keep on doing their work until the two ladies were done shopping, and before the sun sets, the family would have dinner together at a fancy restaurant.

She was daddy's little princess.
He spoiled her like nobody's business.

After the next couple of years - the little girl wanted to try out all those girly things she could do. She thought that books became a bit too boring to be toys - she wanted something for a change. She wanted clothes and shoes. She wanted the things that she had missed when her sister and mother went out shopping and she would be buried deep underneath her books. She went through a revolution from being daddy's little princess into a rebel chick. Identity crisis.

There was a gap widening between daddy and daughter.
It wasn't the same anymore.

Six years later, the girl was sitting across the father in Starbucks - with two regular-sized cups of Vanilla Latte. She was telling him about how she loved her new classes - and he told her about his possible promotion and pay increment.
All the while, she thought about all the cafe shops that she had visited with her father - just a quiet time doing their work - but it was worth every second.

The gap has narrowed. The discontentment has subsided.

I miss you, Abah. I'm sorry for hurting you back then.

I have a thing for checklists now

2010-01-30T08:38:00.006+08:00

Scout for apartments for Degree - due July 2010
Globalisation Research Paper - due 12th February
English Research Paper - due mid February
Biology Research Paper - due mid February
Friend's birthday bash (to draft a plan) - due 5 February
Parents' appreciation night (to draft a plan) - due Valentines Eve

Funny how you receive inspiration from the most unusual or smallest things.

How observing an apple falling from an apple tree inspires Newton to come up with a theory of gravitational force.
How the realization that the earth is not flat when the sailors embarked on a journey across the horizon which ended them back to their starting point.

and how a conversation with an Atheist inspires a person to believe in the presence of The Divine.

There's still faith left inside me after all. :)

Dear Kakak,

2010-01-25T19:08:00.009+08:00

I realized the difference between my sister and I.

My sister is a realist.
I am an opportunist.

Though both of us have the traits of being realistic and opportunistic, we have these traits in different proportions.

It's true.

My sister always reminds me to sit down, and discuss - and not be rash in my decisions.
I am a bit rash in my decisions. I may be calm and not as quick-tempered as she is - but when it comes to making decisions, I get too indecisive that I take chances, opportunities - regardless of the consequences.

Back home with the family - when you enter my room, and you walk across the sliding door into her room - you can see a huge difference.
In a way, my sister is more organized, things are kept at appropriate places - very efficient.
My sister's room is bright and vibrant, of peach and red - with a lot of decorations and musical sheets signifying that she is musically-inclined.
Indirectly, she's sleeping surrounded by pretty and colourful things.

My room is decorated with dictionaries, books by Michael Connelly and Stephen King, educational magazines, stories I wrote and journals I kept since I was in Grade Six, Noah's Photo Album, compilation of my test papers and school notes since I was in Form One (imagine that) - they are everywhere and it's not exactly organized. It's messy.
Indirectly, I sleep surrounded by the knowledge and ideas by imaginative people, philosophies and papers of sentimental significance.

Room-raiders?
You bet.

In my point of view,
a few years ago when my sister just started college and took Business under MARA - I thought that it was a waste of her knowledge in Science for doing Business which she knew nothing about. At least, academically. In that sense, I thought that I was being the realist - she was the opportunist.

But after the repetitive Dean's Lists she have received, I knew that what I thought was wrong. It's not necessary that you do Science just because you have A1s in those subjects.

Realities.

When it was my turn to be a freshman in college, my mum kept on advising me to reach for the sky and capture my dreams.
Funny thing is, I made a rebuttal of being "realistic" and how there are so many people out there doing things like Journalism and whatnot, so I told her that I wanted to do Science, with that journalism as my back-up plan.

That was when I realized that I was the opportunist, and she was the realist.

I was indecisive - I wanted to do both because I knew that I could if I had enough motivation.
I was imaginative
- I told Wawa about how when she graduated in Criminal Law, I would be the Journalist who writes on her cases.
I told Asha about how when her dreams take her to taking up anthropology, I would love to be the chemist/archeologist and how I'd deal with the artifacts while she translate the scriptures and interpret culture and traditions.
I told the girls on the staircase that I would write a story about the five of us, probably - anonymously and publish it to the society.

Opportunities.

In norm, The Realist would have come up to The Opportunist, to whack her in the head and tell her to stop daydreaming.

Being the deep thinker I've always been -
I knew that across the horizon, possibilities await to unfold.

Just give this dreamer a couple of decades,

She will make at least one of these far-fetched opportunities; a reality.

touchwood

2010-01-24T11:08:00.015+08:00

The thing in life is that,

you can never really rely on the plans that you have ahead of you.

As you grow older, there are so many routes that you can choose that the thing that you wanted to do tens years ago seem too surreal in the present that it's more convenient to choose another.
One way or another, all of us have been there.

I have a confession.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to escape Subang. I wanted to study at a place that doesn't seem too far away from my home with my family, and yet not in that area itself. I wanted to be away from that god forsaken place.
I genuinely resent the Subang folk at that time.

So I ran off.

My attempt failed, unfortunately. When I received a letter from JPA to do MUFY in Sunway, I was ecstatic for being accepted but when I thought about it at night in my hostel, I went all - OH SHIT.

Funny thing is, I hang out a lot with the blood-borne Subang kids nowadays.
Life is very ironic.

"I think right Nina, Subang is like tanah tumpahnya darah aku wei. I've spent all my life around there," Thevanesh said yesterday morning, pointing at the zone where he spent all his life.

Exactly. He spent all his life being a reluctant fourian, and moving to places around there is just a matter of a walking distance. It's depressing, I agree.
Luckily for me, when my parents decided to move to another house, I had the opportunity to be away from that zone. It's probably secluded and you won't see as much children cycling and teenage boys playing football, but at least I have some air to breathe from being at the place where everyone knows everything.
Zero privacy, FYI.

I had a deep conversation with Edora on Friday. We had a karok session before that with Coach Shera and her netball juniors, but since we knew no one else but Shera, we left afterwards for drinks. I told her everything from A to Z about the incident when Nina turned Britney. Wow, I didn't know that there were a whole lot of rumours derived from the truth.

The thing about being a hormonal teenager back then is that when I was depressed, I tend to entertain my emotions a bit too much. I had too much thoughts running wildly in this bloated brain of mine. When I think too much, I couldn't sleep and became insomniac and relied on sleeping pills. When I became insomniac and the only thing keeping me on the bed sheets are sleeping pills, I went to school with heavy eyelids and huge eye circles. When I was sleepy, I would say anything without thinking because I couldn't think anyway with those tired nerve cells. Worse part was, I looked like I was taking drugs or having a hungover in that insomniac condition. When I started crapping and bullshitting, people started spreading rumours. The cycle repeats, but instead of crapping verbally, I showed my dissatisfaction through my actions. It was radical, I admit - but after screwing up my Form Four, I was rehabilitated at a school where nobody knew anything about me.

I wasn't happy when my dad moved me there because seems to me, I was running away from the hell hole and that's not what I wanted to do. Parents knew best, and it probably is a cowardly thing to do - but if I stayed there, I don't know what kind of shit I might do else. It was probably the best thing to do.

"You know when you left, the school was kind of peaceful,"
"Are you saying that it's a good thing I left?"
"Actually.... yeah."

Case closed, I didn't regret my father's decision to send me off to the school of superman bikers.

Why I snapped out of the blue? That's too personal to blog.

I do feel bad for the people that were hurt throughout my whole hulk-moment, but I don't regret for it to happen.

It made me more carefree and less of a stresscake.

Now, every time I hear a rumour concerning myself, I get stressed just for a while (common reaction, duh), and I just shrug it off the minute after.

I don't let the emotion dwell and just leave it to dwindle.

So when Thevanesh, whom I knew for twelve years of my life and been my classmate for for years in highschool suggested me and a few of the Casa folk to go to a beach, I didn't think - I just thought, 'Hey! Let's do this random shit!' We left the dinner table in Picadilly's and headed for PD after midnight, and Suniel joined us after the sun rose. Playing games of confessions, dancing at the beachside throwing sand in each other's faces, lying under the stars and listened to the sound of the waves while waiting for the sun to rise - it was worth every ache I got the day after from cramming up and sleepily sitting on Kayla's lap in TV's kancil for hours.

The random trip was just what I needed after so long.

A peace of mind with laid-back people who don't give a shit about the superficiality of life.

Touchwood.

lessons learnt

2010-01-21T19:16:00.003+08:00

She indirectly apologized.
Indirect apology accepted.

Lessons learnt.

P.S - egoistic people have a tendency to apologize indirectly.

who gives a shit

2010-01-21T17:06:00.006+08:00

Two weeks ago, Mama complained that I'm as arrogant as Abah.
No denials.
Last week, a conversation between Kayla, Asha and I. Kayla said that she and I are the two stuck-ups in our girl groupie.

No denials.
I had a talk with Ashmit last night. She labeled me as an egoistical girl.
No denials.

Yes, I am arrogant, a stuck-up and an egoistical girl.

No, this is not a post of just-accept-me-the-way-I-am-or-fuck-off.
It's more of a post of who-gives-a-shit.

Having all those three ugly traits, those flaws and yet still negligently let it take a toll on you? It's ironic. Even for me

I missed out a 2010 resolution of high importance - to be more welcoming towards others.
I have friends who have similar first impression on me - Miss No-Nonsense with a snobby bitch regularity.

Funny thing is, even when I was a loyal child-servant to Queen Fyora and occasionally Dr Sloth (FYI, I'm speaking Neopets) , I had this "Neofriend" who regarded me as snobby. First impression. It was on Neopets, it was a Neofriend and the first impression was exactly the same. Like I mentioned before, no denials.

Thing is. I don't give a shit on first impressions. I don't give a bigger shit if you can't accept me the way I am.
Not everyone can click with everyone else. It takes two to tango, and if that other person refuses to tango?
Who gives a shit?

You know why you shouldn't make it too much of a big deal on first impressions?

My theory - First impression is the work of art by strangers.
Strangers. You don't know them, they don't know you - why bother?

Everyone is judgmental until a certain extent. I am, too. Giving first impressions, specifically negative ones - without knowing that person is a form of being judgmental.

Acceptance? It's overrated. The way you talk, the way you walk, the way you present yourself may not be approved by the coolest clique or the most studious people. Yes, the feeling of acceptance is satisfying - you need a dose of it or you'll end up lonely and miserable - unless you're the type of person who genuinely doesn't give a shit - now that's an exception.
I'm arrogant, proud, snobby, stuck-up and all the synonyms that you can find - but who gives a shit?

By the end of the day, the only people worthy of your appreciation is those who appreciate you, too. Like I mentioned before, it takes two to tango.

Truth be told, I'm content with what I have now. It's not perfect - nothing in life ever is, but I am content. I have problems every now and then, but those problems gave me the gratifying satisfaction of learning despite how agonizing it could be. Masochistically abnormal, but who gives a shit?

Nobody likes a problem, but see it this way - if you don't fall, you won't know what's down there to appreciate what's up there.

Ironically enough, you won't know what it's like to be an ass until someone else bites you in the ass and happens to be a bigger ass than you are. In this case, I'm referring to myself too.

*Even literally - minus the ass-biting - pretty gross.

Sometimes in friendship, we take things for granted. Maybe I took things for granted. I'm trying to see where am I at fault but I can't seem to find it. I feel obliged to give in at that moment of time - because of her generosity and her willingness to go miles just for breakfast and a drop-off to college later. To take care of me when I was home-deprived - my parents told me to stay back at campus because everyone at home was sick. - I felt ungrateful until the point that I kept asking one of the spectators if I was at fault. Then I realized that I wasn't the one in the wrong and she just so happen to have the Gift of the Gap. (Cheers, Kaiser).
It's not that I didn't want to be there for her when she needed me, it's just that I had other needs too. For the sake of everything beautiful, I have college. I have stacked-up assignments, I have a sense of self-worth - when it comes to the unimpressed mother, and yes - I have a friend from firefly land who traveled far for a visit (even though that was just one of his side chores, but still). I've got other responsibilities, I've got other things to do, I had plans. I have my own life to worry about.

Sometimes you have to give in or someone else will end up giving up on you.
It's high time for you to learn giving in instead.

Leather socks and Cough syrup

2010-01-09T19:54:00.005+08:00

I've never felt this relieved for staying indoors. Most of the time, I would complain and whine just so that I can go out. Most of the time, after being chained at home for so long and getting awfully exasperated arguing to get liberty of my dying youth, I would shoot up the phone bill with the amount of phone calls I make, just to keep myself company in this quiet house furnished with antiques and old family portraits.

When my temperature was at the brink of 40 degrees celcius, all I ever wanted was to be at home, in the arms of my loving family.
Boy, I made the right choice for taking two days of medical leave from college.

I've never felt so comfortable being grounded for four days before.

And I've never felt at mind's peace turning down people's invitations to get out of bed and have fun. All I ever wanted was to stay home, snuggling up under my thick blankets, listening to sweet melodies of French lullabies with good friends of mine occasionally checking up on my condition.

2010.

Just a glimpse of that number gives you the illusion of flying cars and elevated buildings. Of how the population dressing up in funny space costumes and brightly-coloured hairdos. How our meals are served in slushes, and instead of chewing food - all we have to do is suck our nutrients out of the slush cups. Gross, but with increasing population and decreasing resources - genetically modified food is the best way to go.

This is where the disastrous epidemic plays it's role.
"Population control" for realists who are often mistaken as cold-hearted.
"God's Punishment" for those with a much abstract view of this rising epidemic.

Conspiracies by politicians and science-crazed folks that the virus is in fact, genetically engineered.
Thing is, we can never be too certain. Possibilities are endless.

A few centuries ago, philosophers who are overly-abstract for their era get frowned upon and the common folk refused to accept their preaches.
Some of them were brutally killed, some of them were accused for performing witchcraft. Just because their words of wisdom are too deep to grasp. Martyrs.
A few centuries later, these philosophers are labeled as philanthropists, with their simple gesture of benevolence appreciated by the common folk.
They were easily forgotten, as most of the worshipers are directed towards the superficial.

Friends and lovers,
Let's make a difference.

this is the new year

2010-01-04T22:16:00.006+08:00

"Rupanya Haiwan Liar tu nakkan Si Penjinak"
- Edora and Nina, referring to wild guys getting tamed by female trainers

Some girls love the risk of jumping into a dangerous relationship because the risk is gratifying, the exposure is experience-worthy and knowing the consequences and yet still pursuing make the girls feel daring enough and sufficiently... stupid.
There was an article I read in Cleo last year about bad boys and good rule-abiding men. I was flicking through the article with my girls and we all went, "Damn that's right!" with the truth of our bad-boy infatuation.

My principle is simple:
You can go for the bad guy, but once he simply intend to take advantage of you (planned or subconsciously), get rid of the predator.

It's not worth-it, and being down-right daring won't make you bold. It makes you irrational.
By the end of the day, you will realize: it's better to be safe than sorry.

So hey girls, the next time you're gawking at that hot bad guy, make sure he's a gentleman - respects and treats you like a lady.

P:S - to that certain person, get lost and don't even try to come near my friend ever ever again. I'm keeping an eye on you, weirdo.

It's 2010, and I am trying my best to keep my resolutions on check.
Had a good celebration, and that was the first time I celebrated with friends instead of family.

I registered for classes this morning, and I was in dilemma whether to pursue with Econs B or do Globalisation instead. After asking constructive feedbacks from mainly Mama, Abah and Thevanesh (who did Globalisation before), I took the plunge in doing Globalisation as one of my subjects this semester. Besides, I think it will pretty useful as an exposure in writing.

It was great to reunite with my college friends.

This semester, I need to put my priorities straight.
I want to excel with HDs for my final results.
Monash, pray with me.

Goodluck everyone. ;)

another year has passed by

2009-12-25T18:57:00.010+08:00

Summary of 2009

Went to several education fairs to decide which college is best for me
Went to Sunway college and thought of enrolling there
Somehow I ended up landing in Inti Nilai instead, doing South Australian Matriculation since it's far away from the scandalous Subang life
Got to know that my Form Five classmate, Shaunchez was studying in Inti too
Had nice classmates in SAM, to name a few – Saranya, Zara, Eva, Dee Shern, Alistair, Vegness, Lim Qian, and Yang. Got to know good lecturers, too especially Miss Cordelia

Started to fall in love with Economics in SAM itself
Got into a shisha clique
Most of the nights in Inti were spent "studying" in dining hall
A "something else" came and offered me choki-choki
Don't worry, not a supernatural creature, more of a nocturnal human being
Who apparently is a Chinese cross-breed with a Bai
We call him Cibai. Yes, this is Suniel.
Became very close to Shaun and everyone else thought it was something else
Then only we realized that it was something else
Oh well, not happening. Separate ways.
Had tons of memories in Inti even though the place is a dead town, the Intians are lively enough
Got a letter from JPA that I received scholarship to do in Sunway college (which was pretty ironic considering that Sunway was my first choice anyway)
Had a farewell gathering with my shisha clique
Moved in an apartment around Subang, and I got a warning by Mr. T because the presumptuous scholarship-holding housemates decided to sell me out without sitting down and talk like what scholars are supposed to do. *facepalm*
Moved to a more liberal unit

Got involved in theater and became the stage manager, where I reunited with my old friend Shera, her best friend Zaty and got to know Naqib, Mohsin, Megat
Those days, we never missed our dinner after theater and in between classes, we would always hang out at Rock Cafe, ordering Chinese Tea with sugar

One of my late bus rides, this really bold guy who's studying in Monash came up to me and said, "Hi, I'm Kaiser."
And we still keep in touch until now. Chemistry Tutor/Best friend
By now you should know, I am fond of people quite easily.
Fell out with Shaun because I felt neglected
Suniel became my regular texter and he ended up being my best guy buddy ever written in my history
Reconnected lose bonds with Najwa Arifah, and I got to know her dirty little secrets and she got to know mine. Soulmates, baby.
Became pretty darn close with my small Economics circle. Especially Edora and Rahimi.
Guess what. I became the middle person between their fling-slash-I-want-to-have-a-relationship-with-you kind of thing
Really stressful, FYI.
Got to know the Casa Clan and the two heroes, Sasan and Sultan. We became close ever since they saved me from a very unfortunate event.

Got in a relationship
But we were always meant to say goodbye (shout out to Kelly Clarkson). I mean, I couldn't even recall when it really got official.
So why linger. I ended it for good without a single teardrop of regret or sadness. (yes, I'm a practical romantic not romantic romantic)
Went back home for semester break, and started working part-time in a tuition centre
Filled the gap between akak and I (aww, now instead of arguing about our dolls, we are now arguing about who to answer Mama's phonecall when we go out late at night)
Reunited with Fifa, and our dandruff-obsessed circle. (don't ask, we were in Form Two back then)

Became close with Iskandar and got to know his perverted younger brother
Hung out a lot with the Romli sisters and the Khairaini brothers
Had a pretty good birthday (just scroll down)
Got a new clique

Basically spent the year to the fullest with new experiences, and I am eager to learn more.

at the verge of 2010

2009-12-25T13:32:00.007+08:00

It's Christmas holiday, and I am unable to frolic in the midst of imaginary snow because I'm bedridden. Caught a flu by one of those booger-ish children at work. The weather isn't doing any justice, either. Swaying from hot to cold, back to hot - nothing consistent.

So I'm here on the ripped bachelor sofa, with my laptop on my belly with the TV turned on with the shows I used to never miss.

Life is moving at a slow pace, my daily life is becoming a routine. Wake up in the morning to get ready for work, go to work with most of the children swarming me despite the fact that there are other tutors they can bother (I'm very flattered even though I am a little bit stressed and overwhelmed), go back home and heat up leftovers from the fridge, go online on facebook, on the phone with Suniel, my Living Twitter until I fall asleep.

Occasionally, instead of going straight home and feed on leftovers, Shera will kidnap me along with Iskandar and Hafriz to meet up with our newly formed clique (that unlikely birthday present), but that's about it. Nothing too dramatic, no hanky-panky, just a chilling normal life which I appreciate a hell lot after a year of a roller coaster ride.

On a side note, I've finally decided to post up my complete New Year Resolution.

New Year Resolution

Don't get attached.
Don't procrastinate. Be more efficient.
Don't be in denial. Accept the consequences of every choice made.
Get myself organized, especially my college notes
Get back that SPM nerdgasm
Quit skipping classes
Stay low under the radar (at least in Casa)
Stop putting high expectations on people I can't rely on
Be financially brilliant
Don't cause an accident
Take care of my health - good diet and sufficient sleep
Appreciate those worth appreciating
Be more care-free and flexible
Be a better person in a whole

Here's a toast to 2010. ;)

turning legal with a new chapter

2009-12-20T17:59:00.005+08:00

I was expecting white flags wavering, only to realize that it ended up with guns and bombs.
Some people are just incompetent, irrational and impolite that you just can't help them.

The only thing you can do is point and laugh at them. Irritating? At least you have fun .

I'm so smug that I can't stop smiling. Such a sadist, I know - but hey, you have to put your facts straight before you challenge someone who knows her philosophy.
Thank you, I consider your self-humiliation as a birthday present. How very thoughtful.

I don't bite. But when I do, I bite hard.

I turned 18 on the 18th. Not a big and hyped up birthday bash like some, but a small celebration among different circles of friends which is much better for a person who values the simplicity of life - with good conversations and a laid-back atmosphere.

My pre-birthday was celebrated with old friends, being heavily pampered by my misunderstood babe even though she was very bitter when I threw tantrums around and so she shut me up with a good meal from TGI Fridays. Hehe.
We left to our usual chill-out place with her younger sister Fiqa, Iskandar and his brother Hafriz - where I got to know a few acquaintances who seem to be warm and friendly to the birthday girl.

My birthday itself was raining, so I felt like staying indoors with my family, when my friends from my previous college came with a Chocolate Indulgence from Secret Recipe. We had a nice talk, laughing unnecessarily and made fun of Bibit where they continued the joke all the way on the highway.

My post birthday celebration was at a lounge located close to a lake - scenic and peaceful. Just what I need. Even though before that I had a hell lot of fun screaming my lungs out in Amp Square, another of my usual hang out spot.

Abah came back last night, with a hug, a perfume bottle and a shawl. I love you Abah. You will always be the number one man of my life. Forever and always.
My brother's girlfriend (the young lady who he ever introduced to the family) was sweet enough to buy me something very practical and useful which I need for my next semester - To Kill a Mocking Bird.

Thank you for the birthday wishes -the phone calls, the simple gesture of Facebook Birthday wall posts, the sweet text messages and the voice mail.

Oh, and I am still celebrating. ;D *hint hint*